I SPY IN PUBLIC EYE

There has been much comment recently in the pages of this paper and elsewhere regarding the state of the nation’s hairstyles. Lockdown restrictions have prevented hairdressers and barbers from plying their trade, leaving some folk looking like hirsute prehistoric cave dwellers and others who botched their DIY efforts resembling victims of day-one trainees at snip school.

Many others who can’t be bothered with either option have had an even closer shave. Tourism authorities might soon be promoting “Scotland – Slaphead Capital of the World”. Regularly in these discussions, I’ve heard hairstyles being described as a “Barnet”. It’s rhyming slang, often called Cockney slang. You know the kind of thing; apples and pears, stairs; plates of meat, feet; or pork pie, lie. Barnet simply stands for Barnet Fair, hair.

It’s all very well for Cockneys getting the kudos for these amusing metaphors but I see no reason why Scotland shouldn’t get in on the act as a fun addition to our national lexicon. There are plenty of examples, such as Auchnagatt, hat; Percyhorner, corner; Stromeferry, merry; Old Man of Hoy, joy, or Buckie Lugger, an extremely fortunate person.

You never know what additional tourism benefits might be brought by associating Kintessack and Dyke with bike, Meikle Tarty with party, Portknockie with hockey or Muckle Flugga with rugger.

I thought I might pepper the following paragraphs with some of these from my nascent new work, Ken’s Caledonian Cockneyisms, better known as Rampant Rhymes, available in no good bookshops before Christmas.

I actually reached this point by becoming heartily Thurso and Wick – get it, sick – by the antics of ex-royals Harry and Meghan in the US. They must be totally Methlick if they imagine that the way to escape the seemingly intolerable pressures of life in the spotlight is to slink off to Crask of Aigas – Vegas – and then seek relative anonymity by signing a Netflix contract or appearing in an interview with Oprah Winfrey which is guaranteed a worldwide audience when screened tomorrow night.

Their faux search for privacy is just a load of Banff and Macduff. They’re just taking the Loch Muick.

There’s no doubt he had a horrible upbringing by losing his mother in such publicly tragic circumstances but so did his brother. In my rhyming slang, William and Kate means great; Harry and Meghan means shenanigan.

It turned my Kildrummy to see them staring all Ben Macdui into each other’s eyes in that romantic but nauseatingly posed photo released to the world’s press the other week. It’s a strange way to avoid publicity. They must think the average reader is a complete Ullapool. It’s all a sad and unnecessary Buchan Ness.

That said, I might try to do the same with Mrs F. It would be wonderful to have a photo of her looking all Baldovie at me rather than her more common New Aberdour expression whenever I get too close.

I was mulling this all over when lying in my Dunnet Head the other morning, feeling a bit Balintore. Overnight, it was decidedly Inverbervie Chippy outside so the incentive to get up and go had got up and gone. Then I read about former champion boxer Frank Bruno being an Aberdeen FC fan. He certainly has more punch up front than they do and doesn’t fall down quite so easily. Unlike those in the Vegas Vanity Show, he’s maintained a dignified humility, and a sense of humour to make us Meikle Wartle, despite fighting his own physical and mental demons.

But whatever the weather, and it’s often pretty Pittendreich on a dark morning, Frank goes out running, keeps fit, stays sharp and has time for many people. He’s a fine man and a national treasure.

His most famous catchphrase, “know what I mean, ‘arry”, came from an interview with the legendary boxing commentator Harry Carpenter. If one wants an example of how to conduct oneself in public life, one might take a leaf out of Frank’s book.

Ironically, Oprah Winfrey’s production company is called Harpo, her name spelled backwards. Harpo Marx was, of course, the Marx Brother who never spoke on screen.

Seems like good advice for ex-royals to hold their Tongue, too.

Know what I mean, Harry?

LENS PRETEND: The Duke and Duchess of Sussex during their interview with Oprah Winfrey, which is sure to pull in huge numbers of viewers – a far cry from the peace and quiet for which they ditched royal life.

Below, Dons fan Frank Bruno.