It turns oot Tory donor Andrew Lloyd Webber’s a rebel and a freedom fighter

I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz baith surprised and pleased tae see Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber saying he wid defy the law and open his theatres on June 21, even if England’s “Great Reopening” disnae ging ahead as planned.

I wis surprised, ‘cause I thocht he wiz jist ‘at creepy mannie in the big chair fa got a heap o’ free advertising for his musicals fae the BBC on Setterday nicht TV talent shows.

But it turns oot he’s a rebel, a freedom fighter, and an inspiration tae stick it tae the man! Ye canna say ‘at aboot maist multimillionaire Tory party donors. It’s amazing he’s gone guerrilla. I mean I ken he ayewiz looked a bit like een, but still.

And I wis pleased since it shows some fowk hiv hidden depths, dis it? He says he’s opening his theatres wi’ nae social distancing, “come hell or high water”. Fan asked fit he wid say tae the bobbies, he says: “Come to the theatre and arrest us.”

I’m nae sure a’ the usherettes on minimum wage are quite sae keen, like, but mebbe he’s planning on being richt doon there outside the venue himsel’ gi’en it some: “You shall not pass!”, like a meltyfaced Gandalf.

Sir Andrew is saying that he has scientific evidence that opening theatres wi’oot social distancing is safe and maybe he’s right.

It might be OK for hunners ‘o fowk tae sit thegither in a big het room for twa ‘oors, but I’m still nae ga’an. Nae files ivery quine or wifie in the place still his tae queue for the same twa lavvies.

No, I’m nae that big on the theatre masel (apart fae the panto fit is a brilliant wye tae offload yer kids tae shout themselves hoarse for a hale efterneen) but I div recognise it is a big part o’ some fowk’s lives and this lang shutdoon pits a lot o’ these venues at risk o’ permanent closure.

We need theatres and concert halls and a’ that arty places tae be open, we need it as a society and also because there’s livelihoods at stake.

Take my pal Big Sonja; she’s desperate for theatres tae reopen tae get a’ the middle class folk oot of an evening, so she can tan their hooses.

VIEW FROM THE MIDDEN, RURAL AFFAIRS WITH JOCK ALEXANDER

It’s been an “Error 503 Service Unavailable” wik in the village. Fit wi’ being a bleck spot for phone signals, TV signals and the proclivity o’ Haldie Winton’s beasts tae chaw through fibre-optic cables, we in Meiklewartle usually envy ab’dy fa enjoys fast, reliable, online access.

So fan a great hillock o’ websites went clean tae skite the ither day, including the Guardian newspaper, the UK Government and useful eens like Amazon and PayPal, we a’ hid a good laugh.

The sites fit went aff were in een o’ yon “clouds” operated by a company cried Fastly; a name fit reeks o’ gravitas and sounds like the wye Donald Trump used to read his morning briefings.

Mind you, tae their credit, they did manage tae fix the problem fastly enneuch. Apparently, it wiz jist one customer fit wiz fiddling aboot in the intimers o’ their ain website fit triggered the bug.

Fastly are being spoilsports and nae tellin’ us fa it wiz. but if yer trying tae work oot fit een o’ their customers wis maist likely tae be fiddling aboot incompetently, thinking they kent fit they were daein fan they definitely didnae, just mind that oor government is on the list.

The hale incident jist gings tae show that it’s nae wise tae hae the entire interweb reliant on a wee handful o’ companies. Ye shouldna pit a’ yer eggs in one basket, as Feel Moira learnt tae her cost efter her short-lived stint keeping chickens ended in messy tragedy and an entry in the Guinness Book of Records for the world’s biggest omelette.

Still, at least I’ve learned that fan they talk aboot cloud storage, they actually mean great muckle boxes o’ flashing lights and electronics, and nae actual clouds. I wondered fit wye we couldnae get it tae work in the village fan it’s aye sae overcast.

It turns oot there are 100 million servers in the world today, storing every tiny piece o’ digital data we need tae live wir lives. Scary stuff, cos fit happens fan we hiv tae unplug them tae hoover?

Cheerio!

When the websites went clean tae skite we hid a good laugh

THE DEFIANT ONE: Sir Andrew is saying he has scientific evidence that opening theatres wi’oot social distancing is safe.