Bring back the traditional north-east summer o’ howling gales and rain!

VIEW FROM THE MIDDEN, RURAL AFFAIRS WITH JOCK ALEXANDER

It’s been a thermogenic wik in the village. Wi’ soaring temperatures and water scarcity alerts awye, it’s fair tae say the weather has decided tae ging a bittie mental. And it’s nae jist here.

There’s nesty floods in Germany and China, a heatwave in the USA and at least 40 countries haein tae deal wi’ storms, wildfires and drought. I read somewye that California is currently experiencing its worst drought since 800 AD. I dinna ken fa bides there that wid mind on that. Except mebbe Cher.

I hiv consulted the BBC Weather website – weel , it’s nae sae clarty as the usual local method o’ meteorological prediction, using the intimmers o’ a goat – and fit we’re facing is a projected 40 day heatwave, wi’ the occasional thunderstorm and flash flood jist for a bittie variety.

Ab’dy roon here is fair puggled, and stairting tae wish for the return o’ a traditional north-east summer o’ howling gales and lashing rain. Oot in the Square it looks like ab’dy’s gan about in saggy reed jumpers, till ye get closer and realise it’s the mannies o’ the village wi’ their taps aff.

So fit are we tae dae? Weel, wi’ increasing numbers o’ folk opting for staycations in the UK, we in Meikle Wartle are daeing fit we ayewis dae, and attempting tae mak money oot o’ it.

Haldie Winton his opened een o’ his particularly boggy fields for the exclusive use of motorhomes and caravans. ‘At’s turned oot tae be a verra profitable scheme. Half a dizen holidaymakers hiv parked their vehicles there. And if they can iver tow them oot again, they can ha’e them back.

Unfortunately, Feel Moira’s attempts tae jine in the new craze o’ wild sweeming hiv been thwarted. The burn o’ Wartle his dried up completely and the sewage works winna let her back in there again, nae efter fit she displaced fan she dove in the last time, in a highly effective, if somewhat gadsy, demonstration of the Archimedes principle. I ken the sight o’ her rising up oot o’ it in her one-piece swimming costume wiz instrumental in getting me oot o’ the sun and hiding awa indoors.

But fit a heat! Desperate measures wis called for, so I’ve been trying tae buy an electric fan aff the internet, but I could nae find ony for sale avva, and I must hiv spent oors on that “onlyfans.com”.

And michty, I wisnae the only een fa wis plotting wi’ the heat – ab’dy on there hid their taps aff. And some o’ them must’ve been even hetter than ‘at!

Cheerio!

CAVA KENNY CORDINER, THE FOOTBALL PUNDIT WHO WEARS THE TROUSERS

As the rust settles on the speculum of football that was Euro 2020, Old Kenny has been getting ready for the new season, while also dripping my toes in some other, worser, sports as well.

But firstly, I couldn’t not believe my eyes when I heard some stories about women’s sporting outfits. First of all, the Norwegian Beach Handball team got fined because they wore “improper clothing” when the girls didn’t not wear their bikini bottoms.

Calm down, gentle reader, that doesn’t mean they was playing in the scud! They wanted to wear something more modest, and the handball beaks called them over the holes for it!

The very same day, Paralympian Olivia Breen said that she’d been told by an officious that her shorts were “too revealing”! So one sport are telling the girls to show some flesh, while the other is telling them to cover theirselves up!

As an ardvaark feminist, I asked my Melody what she thunk about this important tropic and she says to me she says: “I think you should stop looking at pictures of the Norwegian handball team.” Which I done.

Old Kenny is no stranger to issues with revealing sporting outfits. Most of my playing days was in the early 1980s, when shorts really were really short. Every time a ref had a word with me about a stray tackle, I always used to have to have a quick check of my smudgy jugglers.

It was great to be back at Pittodrie on Thursday night. The Dons put on a cracking performance and it was still a great atmosphere, even though there was only a few thousand of the Red Army in attendance. I still had to queue up for a pee at half-time, though.

But fit a heat! Desperate measures wis called for

TAPS AFF: Temperatures have been soaring this week throughout the north-east of Scotland and us Scots aren’t used to it.