Barney Crockett’s Mona Lisa smile like a brilliant disguise

Timing for revealing the £10,000 portrait by a Russian artist a little insensitive

J FERGUS LAMONT, ARTS CRITIC AND AUTHOR OF FLUME WITH A VIEW – THE HEYDAY OF THE BEACH LEISURE CENTRE

On polling day this week it was most apt that I found myself gazing in rapturous awe at a painting with a political theme – a work of such power that I quite forgot where I was. In fact, I was in the newsagent’s, looking at the front cover of the Evening Express.

And the painting? You will not have heard of it, for it has garnered little or no publicity, but it is a striking image of our city’s current Lord Provost. Or possibly Shrek, it’s not entirely clear.

In any event, the figure depicted on the canvas presents an intriguing mien; an expression as inscrutable as the Mona Lisa’s. There is, perhaps, the slightest suggestion of a wry smile, though oddly not the massive grin we Aberdonians find so reassuring, and which shows the subject is having the time of his life at a particular photo opportunity.

Here, instead, is a pensiveness, a seriousness, an invitation to consider the gravity of high office. Or, possibly, it’s just indigestion.

However, my preference is to interpret it as the look of a man who knows that now probably isn’t absolutely the ideal moment to be unveiling a £10,000 portrait done in Russia.

I wept.

VIEW FROM THE MIDDEN WITH JOCK ALEXANDER

It’s been a prurient wik in the village. Mindful as I am that you may be reading these words o’er yer morning rowie, I must be careful nae tae ging intae specifics, but I will say that we wis shocked fan Neil Parish MP confessed that, in pursuit o’ his interest in tractors, he hid given a hale new meaning tae the term “muck spreader”.

Folk are asking, has he no shame? Weel, if he hid, he probably widnae hiv been a Conservative MP for 25 years, but that’s by the by.

Spikkin as a fairmer masel, I dinna ken fit he wiz thinking. Surely he’ll hae ony amount o’ hedges roon his fields, the natural resting place o’ the aul-fashioned, paper-based variety o’ the kind o’ thing he wiz looking at electronically. At wid hiv been much safer. There’s mair time tae mind that you’re at your work fan yer scuttering tae unfurl a centrefold.

Luckily, I dinna face the same problems as Mr Parish. It taks 20 minutes for my web browser tae load, thanks tae the village’s nae-fi reception, fit is nae sae much “spotty” as “hoachin wi plooks”. Niver mind GIFs and PDFs, my AOL online connection gings doon if someb’dy sends me an email wi’ a lang word in it.

Fit baffles me is, if he wiz looking at a website wi tractors on it, and it wiz but a slip o’ the thumb that resulted in him ending up in the muck, on anither site fit had a “very similar name” (fit he had tae watch, for 10 minties, in public, jist tae mak absolutely sure) fit wiz the first een he wiz on? “OnlyFarms”, perhaps, or maybe “CornHub”?

And so noo, of course, he’s driven a Massey Ferguson through his ain career. Of course, fit really surprised me aboot the hale cairry on is that, unlike ab’dy else in the government, he actually admitted tae a wrongdoing and resigned. Ye winna get nae wye in politics these days wi’ that attitude. Cheerio!

CAVA KENNY CORDINER, THE FOOTBALL PUNDIT WHO’S KICKING OFF!

Could this season get any worser?! It’s bad enough that The Dandies has had a stinker and wound up in a regulation dogfood – but some of the European developments this week has made my blood broil.

First off, as a result of the war in Ukraine, all the Russian teams has been given the dunt from next season’s competitions. This means the Scottish champions – Celtic – will get straight into the group stages of Champions League.

This is a disaster for Scottish football, as it means they’ll be raking in the money next season and we don’t get to laugh when they get knocked out in July by a diddy team from Norway.

Then things got truly out of hand on Thursday night, when The Rangers went and beat RB Leipzig to qualify for the Europa League final. I was in such a rage, my Melody says to me, she says: “Kenny, you’ll bust a blood vessel – you need to go to your happy place!”

Fair play to her for trying to lift my spirits, but it was far too late for a round of golf.

To make matters worserer, Melody tried to cheer me up by telling me she’d booked us a surprise city break for a couple of weeks’ time. The only problem is, it’s in Seville. Aye Camembert!

See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24

There is, perhaps, the slightest suggestion of a wry smile

IN THE FRAME: The painting portrays a more sombre depiction of Aberdeen’s typically grinning Lord Provost Barney Crockett.