Don’t jump to conclusions without checking the facts

CAN I TELL A FRIEND HER HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR?

I have heard the husband of my closest friend is cheating on her. The information came from another friend, who saw him walking in town arm-in-arm with a woman.

She said they went into a cafe together. When she came back after finishing her shopping, she saw them sitting in the same cafe and this time they were holding hands.

Apparently they were talking in a very serious way and it looked like at one point that she kissed him. She didn’t stay to see any more but went home and called me.

After thinking it through, I have decided I should tell my friend, because I can’t do nothing and see her hurt this way. My problem is, I have no idea what to say. ■ K. D.

FIONA SAYS: DO YOU REALLY KNOW HE’S CHEATING?

There’s so much that could be misinterpreted here, I think you need to be very cautious. The last thing you want to do is be the bearer of misinformation that breaks up their marriage.

The person he met could be a close friend, a colleague with a problem, or a relative. And the fact the meeting happened in a public place, openly, suggests there is nothing to hide. In short, there is nothing here that proves he is having an affair.

However, if you feel you must still do something, you should firstly try to establish if there is any truth to what you heard. This will not be easy, as the only person who can give the truth about this meeting is your friend’s husband.

Would you feel comfortable approaching him and saying you’re worried about what you’ve heard? Stress your concern is for his wife and then listen carefully to what he has to say.

Hopefully he will have a perfectly good (and innocent) explanation, in which case, you can stop worrying and forget about it.

The problem is this seemingly innocent explanation could just as easily be a fabrication.

Alternatively, it’s also possible he’ll get angry or defensive. This might indicate that he’s got something to hide but, again, it could just as easily mean he resents being spied on or being the subject of gossip.

What I am trying to get across here is that, in the absence of any real proof or a confession from her husband, you’re on very shaky ground.

If you take this to your friend and there’s nothing to it, you could damage your friendship.

Even if the affair is real, it’s the messenger who often ends up getting the blame, so this too might spoil your friendship.

I know you feel loyal to your friend but, in this instance, I think caution is advised, at least until such time as you have more information.

This could be a perfectly innocent meeting.