THE TRIALS OF GETTING ON TOP OF MY MONEY

It’s a sure thing that winning the lottery is likely not on the cards and as for insurance, it seems like a monthly payment for literally nothing in return

Are you on top of your money? I don’t mean literally sitting on top of it like Smaug the dragon in The Hobbit. I mean fully abreast of your financial position. From time to time, usually once a year when doing my accounts, I get a picture of where I am financially. It’s a time for having strong drink and a qualified medical team on hand.

So, throughout the year, I rarely look, though I think my position must have improved.

Not that long ago, I used to get escorted off the premises of my local supermarket regularly as my card had once again been rejected.

I don’t think they do that any more. Or maybe it’s because I paid off my mortgage and am now a man of means, relatively speaking.

As long as my card’s getting accepted, I just bumble along. Certainly, I never look at things like broadband or TV subscription statements because they’ve always rocketed since I first signed up, and it just puts my blood pressure through the roof.

My car insurance is due for renewal and, in return for my loyalty in not making any claims (never, ever made one), they’re putting up the price, as per. So I’ll switch to another insurer, as per.

I’m not insurance-minded. It seems like a monthly payment in return for literally nothing.

Peace of mind? Never mind transcendentist meditation, or whatever it’s called, just take out insurance and you’ll reach nirvana on at least one nominated day each month.

Achieve peace of mind by knowing that at least your car hasn’t caught fire.

These days, it’s easier to switch, so I don’t know why these companies hike their fees every year.

Following intensive research this week, as part of a new strategy for a massive overhaul of my financial situation, I did the Lottery. First time in ages. Indeed, I never bought a ticket for 24 years since the scheme’s inception, believing it beneath my dignity, and certainly not advisable for a man with my track record wooing Lady Luck.

The last time I bought a ticket, several months ago now, of the six shots at six winning numbers a time, I got one number right. Incredible. What are the odds? Not very good. My only chance of winning money is if I put a bet on my chance of not winning money.

Luckily, I never understood horse racing. Some chaps in my ken were complete failures at school but could make complicated calculations in their heids when it came to the gee-gees.

I wish school had been more practical when I was a lad. DIY, horse-racing, cutting your own hair, looking after your money: these are subjects that would have come in handy for reality-style life.

Instead, we got algebra, chemistry and physics, three subjects that might have been taught by Beelzebub himself.

They say money can’t buy happiness, which is easy for those and such as those to say. But, that said, even if it brings peace of mind about many things, I don’t suppose it necessarily brings inner peace per se.

What does? Your team winning at fitba’? A nice bottle of wine? Maybe. I think I’d rather have the Lottery win, though.

I WISH SCHOOL HAD BEEN MORE PRACTICAL WHEN I WAS A LAD

MONEY SAVVY?: Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.