Talking and negotiating (not dictating) is crucial

STRUGGLING WITH TEENAGE DAUGHTER

My daughter is 15 and scared me last week when she disappeared for 48 hours. For two days, my partner and I frantically looked for her and even spoke to the police. Then, as though nothing had happened, she walked back in and said she’d been staying with a friend as she needed some space.

When I pushed for information, she said it was because she wanted a break from all the rules I have as I am too strict.

She also said she should be allowed to stay out after 8pm like her friends. I was so relieved she was safe, I didn’t press the matter further. But the more I think about it, the angrier I get.

How could she be so thoughtless? Did she not realise it would worry us? Why didn’t she at least leave a message?

I can understand why she might want to be with her friends in the evening, but this is not a safe world. When I was her age, I was never allowed out at night, unless I was with someone responsible, and never on a weekday.

I don’t know how to make her see sense, as she ignores me whenever I try to talk about this. The atmosphere is toxic. What’s wrong with her? ■ A. H.

FIONA SAYS: LET THE ANGER GO AND TALK

I am sorry you are having a rough time of this, but please be assured, your daughter is no different to any other teenager. Many parents find teen years hard, torn between keeping them safe and letting them grow.

For a teenager, the transition from youngster to young adult is often difficult. They experience huge hormonal and physical changes, as well as peer pressures to fit in.

It’s a frustrating, emotional time for them and, as you’ve found, they often push back against any attempt to restrict what they do. That said, it’s not unreasonable to want to know where your daughter is, especially if she’s out overnight.

It may be difficult to get her to talk about what happened, but persevere. All she can probably see is your anger, however, so try to let this go. It won’t get a dialogue started and she’ll become even more resentful. Once you are talking, emphasise that you love and care about her, then negotiate (not dictate) rules that’ll keep you both happy.

Perhaps you could adjust the curfew to give her an extra hour or two on Friday and Saturday evenings and during school holidays. If in doubt about how far to take this, chat with other parents and see how they are dealing with it. For your daughter’s part, she should be prepared to let you know where she is and who she is with.

There may still be areas of conflict, but if you apply this process, you’ll avoid the toxic anger and resentment you’ve got now. You may find it helpful to contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) which has an extensive section of living with a teenager. It also offers an online chat service, a phone line and email.

All your daughter can probably see is your anger.