‘Katespiracy’ theorists need to look at the bigger picter...

Just you try taking a photo o’ three kids withoot een o’ them blinking or mooning

TANYA SOUTER, LIFESTYLE CORRESPONDENT

I da ken aboot youse, but I’ve had an exciting wik doon the rubbit hole o’ the royal photo Photoshop conspiracy, itherwise kent as #KateGate.

Nithin says “a’thin is fine” like the official release o’ a staged photo fit turns oot tae be fake, dis it? If ye’ve nae been following ‘is hale thing in microsceptic detail like fit I hiv, far’ve ye been?

It’s a’ tae dae wi’ a photo o’ Kate Middleton and her kids fit the royals released in order tae stop ither rumours fit has jist caused even mair rumours fit ye canna spik aboot unless yer in America far they can say fit they like aboot the royals, because they dinna hae nae class.

As soon as I seen the photo, I started tae notice weird stuff. Like the fact Kate’s nae wearing her wedding ring, and her face looks like it’s been lifted fae a magazine cover fae twa year ago, and her youngest has his fingers crossed, hoping we dinna notice.

And then some official news places sent oot a notice fit said the photo had tae be removed from a’ of the internet. So, of course, that jist made it ging superstatosphorical a’wye.

Then, Kate had tae issue an apology for being rubbish at Photoshop. She signed it “C” so it wiz definitely her. But ‘at didna satisfy naeb’dy, and jist begged mair questions. Like fit wye is she hivin tae dae her ain Photoshops? Is there nae a ToucherUpper o’ the Royal Photies?

At stuff is nae easy, ye ken. My pal Big Sonya is affa good wi’ Photoshop. ‘At’s fit wye I’ve hid a pensioner’s bus pass since I wis 17.

So, I’m starting tae think the online Katespiracy theorists his totally lost the plot. Some folk are suspicious because a’ the kids are still wearing the exact same claes they wore in anither photie last year. Fit, dae royals burn their claes after every day and get new eens? I da ken aboot youse, but I’m ayewiz in the same trackies in a’ my photos gan back tae fan wi’ a’ stopped wearing shellsuits.

Other internet gossip swirling aboot is that the kids hinna been at school a’ year. Big deal, my eens hinna seen the inside o’ a classroom since afore lockdoon. Unless ye coont breaking in at nicht tae nick a DVD player fae the drama department, fit my Tyler and Jayden definitely didnae dae.

And, so, the picter wiz touched up. So? It his three kids in it! You try taking a photo o’ three kids withoot een o’ them blinking, moving aboot, pulling a stupid face, flicking the Vs or mooning the camera. Ye’ve nae choice but tae stitch the damn thing thegither fae multiple snaps.

I’m sure they ayewiz edit royal photos. I’ve seen eens o’ Henry VIII that wiz definitely touched up.

We a’ manipulate wir ain images one way or anither, div we? I tak a’ mine fae an unnaturally high angle so it hides ony spare chins. It’s the best wye tae get a flattering selfie, and a great wye tae fin oot fan yer needing yer roots daen.

CAVA KENNY CORDINER, THE FOOTBALL PUNDIT WHO CAN’T SEE THE TREES FOR THE WOODS

Even at the best of times, being a Dons fan can be a difficult crossbar to bear. But the last seven days has seen us going from cloud 99 to the lowest of the lowest of the low.

Even Old Kenny, the eternal optometrist, feared the worst when Degsy McInnes and his Killie outfit rocked up at Pittodrie on Saturday lunchtime. But, all of a sudden, the Vimto and vinegar that Neil Warlock had promised was there for all to see.

Tackles was flown into, chances was created, 110 percents was left on pitches, and no stops wasn’t left unpulled out. The Dandies was great value for their 3-1 win and their place in the semi-finals. Things was looking up for the Red Army.

Then, the circus came to town. Straight after the whistler had whistled his final whistle, Warlock announced to the medium that he was slinging his managerial hook. He says to the lads, he says that the AFC board was well on their way to recruiting the new gaffer, and that it was time for him to move on to postures new.

Now, Old Kenny is a man who likes to call a spade a shovel, so let’s be totally honest here. Warlock’s statement after the Dundee game was what we in the business would call a right load of old Horlicks. It’s as plain as the face on my nose that SuperDave Cormack is about as close to finding our new suprendo as he is to splitting the atom.

There’s been some rumours about who we is lining up, but after we got turned over by Dundee, leaving us only three points ahead of the play-off zone, I hope the new man in charge at Pittodrie has the thing that will matter most: a good track record of getting teams promoted from the Championship!

Warlock’s statement after the game was a load of old Horlicks

PHOTO FUSS: Kate Middleton had tae issue an apology for being rubbish at Photoshop, after her family portrait caused a stooshie.