TEENS SUDDENLY KEEN ON CHORES? IT’S EXAM SEASON

Patience and strength. Bring me patience and strength.

It’s SQA exam season – meaning we have two in the house on study leave. Their first exams start next week.

Coincidentally, these teenagers are abandoning their reluctance to walk the dogs and are efficiently rattling through chores as if they’ve been trained up by Snow White’s squad of forest animals.

Anything to distract from the tedious task in hand, especially if it’s classed as a legitimate undertaking.

“Mum, where’s the hoover? Have you got a bin bag ? I’ve tidied out my bottom drawer and have a pile of clothes for the charity shop.”

Usually, she doesn’t understand her wardrobe – it’s full, but she doesn’t have any clothes. This herculean task will apparently help with that conundrum.

“Mum, where are the leads? I’m just going out to walk the dogs.”

“Why is there never anything to eat in this house? Do you want something for lunch? No, no, you sit there, Mum, I’ll make us something healthy! And from scratch.

“I’ll just have to nip to Tesco for a quick shop first and while I’m out, I’ll pick up some more rubber gloves.”

The notion they’ve eaten it all like a plague of locusts doesn’t occur to them as I hand over another £20 note for groceries (biscuits) and other essentials (crisps).

An entire box of Mini Rolls took less than an afternoon to demolish. They need to dispose of wrappers more effectively to evade my bloodhound searching abilities, the amateurs.

Oh, and the dogs could do with another walk, wee souls, being stuck in here all day.

It’s like they’re possessed. If I wasn’t so worried about their education and August’s pending results, I’d embrace it! They are, after all, children of the pandemic.

I cannot claim to be a child psychologist nor an educated educator. I have no idea what effect missing two years of school will have in terms of their development.

I am desperately trying to set a good example by attending college, submitting my assignments and studying from home. Then again, nobody likes a swot.

People often mistake me for an adult due to my age, but I am struggling to parent here. They need to get their heads down for the next wee while, but the sun is shining and life is short.

I want them to embrace the joy of their teens without having a nag for a mother.

I recall being in this exact situation. Not studying but in a sunny park, holding hands with my boyfriend, watching wispy clouds meander by.

The one big difference between then and now? Mobile phones.

We had to arrange these liaisons in advance, ensure everyone had the relevant information and stand by the promise to turn up.

These guys can just whimsically fire off a text and within half an hour there’s a full-blown gaff being arranged and no chance of any parental intervention.

I can still remember my best friend’s childhood phone number, even if I can’t remember all the passwords required to survive in this modern world. I was at the height of my social calendar when you were able to dramatically slam the phone down to hang up on someone who wouldn’t come out.

It was spectacular and I miss it. Squishing the red dot – it’s not even a button now – on your phone just lacks theatrical performance value.

Littlest kid has gone into school to study. She had it arranged in the space of three texts, 11 voice notes, six WhatsApps, a Snapchat streak or TikTok shoutout, some Insta story or other and several “swipes”.

Add a free bus pass and off they go, leaving me like a fool for not intervening.

At least the school uniform might prevent a full-blown day drinking session, because not one of these “kids” look like their age.

They’ve bypassed the blue mascara, orange foundation era and headed straight for sleek, contoured, full of irrefutable excuses, young people that they are.

I wish them nothing but luck because I, personally, wouldn’t be 16 again for anything.

The view from the college library where MJ is studying.