Iain Maciver

had purred when she heard Scotland said no to independence. Her Maj? Purring? What, like some sort of happy pussy? Should a politician of whatever variety be saying that about her?

Personally, I would have said that, and more, but I am no politician and I am certainly not a monarchist. However, there’s a bit of an expectation that a UK politician should at least seem to be unflinchingly supportive of the entire silly institution.

Uttering a wee joke about her feline qualities is one thing, but being so indiscreet that it leaks out and she hears about it is quite another. Especially when your name is Dave Willie Donnie Cameron and your job is prime minister of the UK.

And especially when you are expected to go round to Buck Hoose regularly for a chinwag with the Queen about what you’ve been doing since you last met. Rather him than me. Anyway, only a few weeks ago, the PM was saying he found those chinwags with the monarch to be a good chance to discuss domestic and international problems and other challenges with someone outside the political process. He said it was an incredibly useful exercise.

He also admitted that the Queen might be slightly less enthusiastic about the experience than himself, but he found it all very useful to sort things out in his head, although she never offers him tea, coffee or even the occasional dram.

Er, methinks Her Maj may be a bit more enthusiastic to say her piece than him the next time they get together.

He is planning more heartfelt apologies, but I think he can forget the chance of sipping Earl Grey with pinky extended in the drawing room and the chances of getting a wee nip of uisge-beatha to steady his nerves are dwindling faster than the number of MPs left in the Tory Party.

How should he handle it? I’ve been researching the subject. I think the guide I found was written for teenagers, but I’m sure it could apply in any such situation.

The advice is to break the ice by just acknowledging the difficulty. It says: “Simply say ‘awkward’ in a funny voice to defuse the moment.”

Oh dear, this is another column I’d better hide from my wife. She is getting really fed up with me because she claims that I show no respect for the Queen. Me? How dare she? When she said that, I nearly choked on my swan sandwich.