The Flying Pigs

‘Played one, won one’: Hilary, Allardyce, and Dons v Rangers

View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It's been a conceptual wik in the village, wi' much excitement over the announcement of the 2016 Turner Prize Shortlist. Noo this is ayewiz a topic of hot debate in Meikle Wartle. Iver since Damien Hirst bocht that aul coo fae Jim Michie's fairm, and then pit it in formaldehyde and selt it on for twa million quid, we've taken a keen interest in contemporary art. This year's Turner prize nominees are especially newsworthy, including, as they do, a suit fit his been pinted tae look like a reed brick wa’, and a giant golden sculpture of a certain area of the human anatomy. Noo, I hesitate to indicate fit bit it is, but in the interests of art appreciation you should know that I am referring to the dowp, the bahoochie or – for the toonsers among you – the erse. As is often the case, a work of this nature his attracted mair nor its fair share o' opprobrium. Feel Moira wiz particularly vocal in her condemnation. She has been a great fan of the artist, William Turner iver since she slept through yon Mike Leigh filum. She argued maist vociferously that it wiz a betrayal of the great artist's memory, and also that it wiznae fair. Why, she posited, should the artist get a prize for putting their massive posterior on display? Efter a', fan she tried it she got a nicht in the cells.

The ither hot debate this wik of course wiz the presential een atween that wifie Hilary fae the card shop and the boy fa owns the golfcourse at Mennie, ye ken, fit's his name. The een fa looks like he's been tangoed. It wisnae fit ye'd cry an edifying spectacle, but looking at the pair o' them; her, in a reed trooser suit and him wi' his golden tan, they didna half pit me in mind o' the front runners for the Turner Prize. Cheerio!

Barney Eunson, Labour Party Spokesman

So Kezia Dugdale failed to register a vote at Holyrood the other day, allowing the Scottish Government to avoid defeat on a contentious council tax change. Kezia is adamant that she did vote and that her machine failed to acknowledge it. Anyone who has ever played a touch-screen pub quiz machine and ended up repeatedly jabbing “B" while swearing at it as the clock runs down will surely sympathise, but there is no doubt that Kezia's authority has been undermined by this misstep. Only a major calamity could cause such a clanger to be overlooked. And so how fortunate for Kezia it is, then, that the rank and file have spoken, and have voted Jeremy Corbyn back in to lead the parliamentary Labour Party that so decisively tried to get rid of him just scant months ago. Still, I am sure that the party will get on with the process of uniting to fight the Tories. Just as soon as we've worked out our position on Trident. And fracking. And what we think about Tony Blair.

Of course, the massive turnout to vote for Corbyn was a stirring exercise in futility; I mean, democracy. But would it be wrong for me to secretly wish that the rank and file had cast their ballots using Kezia Dugdale's machine? Still, things can only get better. Oh hang on, we're not allowed to say that anymore.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who knows the odds on the full-time score

After Aberdeen's last-clasp victory against the Rangers, I'm still walking on cloud 99. The Dandies was definitely not at their best, but when that freekick hut the post and then the back of the net, Pittodrie went balletic! It was just one match, but it certainly makes old Kenny look at the future with a hint of optometrism.

Speaking of just one match, what a total shocker for England gaffer Sam Allardyce! He's got his jotters after a reporter recorded him saying some unflavoury things on the golf course. Mental.

One of the things he spoke about that has got him into bother was third party ownership. That was no surprise to me – Big Sam doesn't look like the kind of guy that would stop at two parties! Seriously though, it is terrible all them overhand dealer-wheelings he was going on about and I do think he deserves to be punished. That's why he should be made to continue as England manager.

Noo, I hesitate to indicate fit bit it is, but in the interests of art appreciation, you should know that I am referring to the dowp, the bahoochie or – for the toonsers among you – the erse