The Press and Journal (Inverness, Highlands, and Islands)

Leave Kezia alone because she deserves some time with the creepy-crawlies

- Iain Maciver

Fifty years ago, the newspapers had all sorts of gift ideas in the run-up to Christmas. Because we were all waiting for the internet to be invented, the festive bargains were lined up in display adverts in many publicatio­ns.

Top of the list was a handy device to keep “the well-groomed chap around town looking smart and presentabl­e at all times”. It was just a cheap comb which seemed to have been sliced lengthways and had a razor blade inserted.

With the ShavaComb, lads could cut their own locks and look smart enough to go to church on Sunday without having to overdo the Brylcreem. Guess what – ShavaCombs are becoming popular again. Austerity and fear of Brexit has us combing with razor blades.

Another innovation to keep you snug in winter for little cost was the Big Slipper. A massive furlined moccasin, you could slip your 10 toes in at once and it would keep them all feeling toasty.

They were dangerous. Because they were soft and warm, people forgot they were wearing Big Slippers. Then when the doorbell rang, many wearers would just jump up and try to take a step and end up falling over and finding themselves with a mouthful of shag pile. That was very much a thing in the 1960s and 1970s, being a tad more expensive than ordinary carpet.

You didn’t know I was talking about trés fashionabl­e flooring? What on earth did you think I was talking about? Oh, you go and wash your mouth out with soap and water.

I am actually an expert on shag pile, you know. In my very first job, I sold it – as well as a popular collection of other durable floor coverings to suit all tastes and budgets. Oh no, I am reverting back to gobby sales guy.

Stop me someone before I tell you all our carpets are covered against manufactur­ing flaws by our 10-year guarantee and that we have a handy easy-payments scheme.

If you just sign here, all that’s required today is a small deposit and your address and we will get the Axminster for your hall, stair and landing delivered and fitted sometime in the next day or two. Thank you for shopping with Grant’s Furnishers. Do call again.

Right, she’s gone. I have earned good commission on that one so if anyone wants to go the Neptune, let’s knock off early and go for a few half-and-halfs. Why not? I was in early. I’ve got time in lieu. And . . . I’m back in the room.

I used the ShavaComb until people began to mention that clumps of hair were missing from my head. I doubt if the latest ones have solved

“Because they were soft and warm, people forgot they were wearing Big Slippers. When the doorbell rang, many wearers would jump up and try to take a step and end up falling over and finding themselves with a mouthful of shag pile

this problem so expect to lose tufts from your cranium if you fancy saving barbers’ bills.

I have enough problem with my razors slicing my face open. Either the Gillette Mach 3 cartridge blades are sharper or my old skin is getting like the Moon surface.

It’s very embarrassi­ng when you have cuts on your face. People ask if Mrs X hit me. I tell them it is just the way she kisses and that she ripped my skin off in the throes of passion. They go quiet. She did . . . but that was decades ago.

Still, it’s fun to see her wonder why many people now look at her funny. Don’t tell her.

And don’t tell Kezia Dugdale her Labour colleagues back home are stabbing her in the back because she’s on the way to I’m a Celebrity . . . So flippin’ what.

After a few years as party leader she is taking a break abroad to consider her next career move. So what? Just because there are going to be TV cameras there. So what? Just because her lunch may have to be a bit of camel’s bum or a crocodile’s whatyoumay­callit. So what? It’s a bit of fun.

She put in a lot of extra hours as the party leader because it was not a nine-to-five job. So it’s like I was in the shop – she has time in lieu to take.

Could I go into the jungle and be pelted with spiders and snakes and have breakfast of slithery, wiggly witchetty grubs? No, because I would need time in loo.

Although I would like to cross that rope bridge and I would love to have a shouting match with Boris Johnson’s dad.

Mrs X says she has absolutely no desire to go to the Australian jungle but if I went, she would have to go too. I take Mrs X with me everywhere. That way I don’t have to kiss her goodbye.

 ??  ??
 ??  ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United Kingdom