The Fly­ing Pigs

The ‘Naked Clean­ers’ idea is ap­palling. It’s sex­ist, de­mean­ing, and at £80 an hour, steep

The Press and Journal (Inverness, Highlands, and Islands) - - AGENDA -

Tanya Souter, Life­style Cor­re­spon­dent

I da ken aboot youse, but I ayewiz find masel run­ning oot o’ cash at this time o’ year, fit wi a’ my kids’ birthdays be­ing in Septem­ber (Weird ’at, int it?).

Then next there’s Christ­mas on the wye fan a’ my credit cards jist get maxed oot. I’ve got nae cash com­ing in ’ til ma Uni­ver­sal Credit comes through, and fa kens fan ‘at’ll be, Eh?

So I wis keen tae hear aboot my pal Big Sonya’s lat­est mon­ey­mak­ing scheme. She came run­ning in tae my hoose a’ in a flus­ter efter get­ting her hair deen yes­ter­day (and nae jist cos the lassie had tried tae charge her £60 for a cut and blow-dry), but also be­cause she’d read a news story aboot a new clean­ing firm doon in Ed­in­burgh fit sup­ply folk tae dae yer hoose­work in the scud.

Noo, Sonya’s nivver been a fan o’ uni­forms in the work place. She eence worked a shift in TGI Fri­day’s but hid tae pack it in be­cause the stripy shirts they hiv tae weer made her look like a mint hum­bug. But fan she seen that the com­pany’s only op­er­at­ing in the cen­tral belt, a plan be­gan tae form. They’re nae gaan ony fur­ther north than Fife, pre­sum­ably that ex­tra twa de­grees of caul’ is the clincher, if ye’ll par­don the ex­pres­sion.

Noo, as those fa hiv hei­etered o’er a jagged pile of Lego in my lobby, or got their foot stuck in an auld KFC bucket files en­joy­ing a bit o’ a ‘Net­flix and chill’ wi’ me on my sofa (Co­on­cil­lors – you ken fa you are!) will at­test, I am nae a fan of clean­ing my ain hoose, never mind ither folks’, so I wis quick tae turn doon the of­fer. But Sonja wis nae tae be pit aff.

Fair play tae her, the hourly rate they’re charg­ing is £80. £80 an hour!

That’s the kind of pey ye wid get in the pro­fes­sions, like lap danc­ing and drug deal­ing.

Still, I canna say I’m con­fi­dent Sonja’s is a vi­able busi­ness plan, un­der cur­rent con­di­tions.

I ken there are some funny peo­ple aboot, but I strug­gle tae think there’s onyb’dy fa wid pay £80 for Big Sonya tae dae their hoover­ing in the buff.

I mean, I’m nae be­ing funny, but I canna look di­rectly at her fan she’s in her leg­gings. Plus I canna stop think­ing aboot fit could hap­pen if she went ony­wye near a hot iron.

Shel­ley Shin­gles, show­biz cor­re­spon­dent and Miss Fet­ter­esso 1983

O. M. Ac­tual. G!!! Life as your show­biz cor­re­spon­dent is of­ten totes glam and mega hec­tic, but even I didn’t ex­pect my di­ary for November 2020 to be fill­ing up al­ready.

But when Mis­ter El­ton John an­nounces that he’s play­ing a Fri­day and Satur­day at our spleet new ex­hi­bi­tion cen­tre... here’s me!!!

Ap­par­ently it’s his farewell con­cert tour; which, if the Rolling Stones are any­thing to go by, means we’ll only have 10 more chances to see him be­fore he fi­nally re­tires.

What­evs, Wild Horses couldn’t keep me away (un­like a Rolling Stones gig – I can’t stand that song!).

I’ll prob­a­bly go on the Fri­day night, as that’s when the true fans will be there, and be­cause I hear Satur­day nights can be a bit rougher.

I can’t wait, I just hope he doesn’t spoil it by play­ing any of his new stuff – stick to the hits, El­ton!

Of course, me and El­ton go way back. I first met him at Pit­to­drie in 2004 when he was play­ing to a crowd of 26,000 and I was work­ing as a spokesmodel for Ken­tay Cater­ing.

I’d laid down my over-the-shoul­der sell­ing tray back­stage to en­joy a hard-earned cig­a­rette, when he walked past with his en­tourage on his way to the stage. I’ll never for­get what he said to me:

‘You want to pack that in, love. They stunt your growth’

Wise words from a true gent.

Kevin Cash, money-sav­ing ex­pert and king of the grips

I seen in the pa­pers the other day that

Life­style Cor­re­spon­dent Tanya Souter isn’t much of a Do­mes­tic God­dess and so wasn’t keen to start­ing clean­ing houses for other peo­ple – even when she learned that naked clean­ers earn £80 an hour to do so

Ryanair had had a plane seized by the French au­thor­i­ties ower an un­paid bill.

Still, in view of the good­will that the brand has built up wi its ex­em­plary cus­tomer re­la­tions, I’m sure nae­body will be gloat­ing or harp­ing on about it at all.

An em­bar­rass­ing sit­u­a­tion a’the­git­her and will tak some ex­plain­ing, a bit like the time I pawned the mis­sus’s eter­nity ring for beer money and for­got to re­deem it afore the shop selt it.

I got around it by telling her I’d been mugged on the wye it to hae it pol­ished at Fin­nies.

I even got my pal, Mick the Pill, to gie me a keeker to mak it look mair au­then­tic. A sair een, but worth it.

I’m nae sure if the man­nie fae Ryanair wid get awa wi that een.

But I’m pretty sure there’d be nae short­age o’ Ryanair pas­sen­gers will­ing to help him try.

Fair play to her, the hourly rate they’re charg­ing is £80!

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