The Press and Journal (Inverness, Highlands, and Islands)
Why doesn’t my child want to go to school?
Anxiety: Children are good at bottling things up, they may not want to let you down. But any problem needs addressing
Like adults, it’s normal for kids to have wobbles and worries. But what happens when anxiety becomes an ongoing problem?
“It is natural for children to not want to go to school from time to time.
“For example, they might be worried about a test, or a problem with a friend,” says Dr Julia Clements, principal educational psychologist for children’s mental health charity, Place2Be.
“With a bit of support, most children will be able to attend school regularly and not avoid it when things get a bit tricky.
“However, other children may become so anxious that they start to avoid school all together.”
SPOTTING THE SIGNS
Remember, children often aren’t able to tell adults when they’re struggling with anxiety.
“Anxiety can show up differently in different children. Your child may become tearful or quiet at bedtime, for example, or report feeling so ill they cannot attend school.
“Alternatively, your child may appear quite angry, argumentative and refuse to get ready for school,” says Clements.
Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and author of The Grief Collective, who previously worked in child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS), adds: “A child may complain about not wanting to go to school, or that it is boring or that they have tummy ache. They may drag their heels more about leaving the house or walking to school.”
RESPOND WITH CARE
Showing that you are interested and care about how they’re feeling can be really helpful. Having your support could help alleviate their worries.
“It is important that parents and carers acknowledge the distress their child is experiencing, and that they are finding going to school a real challenge,” says Clements.
“For example, you might say something like: ‘I can see that you are really worried about going to school and that going in will be really hard for you’.
“However, it is also important to help your child to ‘face their fears’ and to attend school, despite it being the last thing they feel like doing!
“Acknowledge that this might be tough, but that you believe in them and will support them to do this difficult thing.
“Praise and encourage your child for any small steps of progress they are able to make towards attending school regularly.”
Trent suggests talking to them about what might have caused their sudden reluctance to attend school: “Asking how they’re feeling and if anything happened the day before which made them feel worried, sad or confused can be useful.”
It might be easy for parents and carers to get frustrated and possibly angry if children refuse to go to school. However, this could lead to more distress, so it’s helpful to try and communicate calmly.
Trent says: “Anger is a secondary emotion, and this might mask a feeling of not having control, sadness, or even parental anxiety.
“Trying to enter into conversations when both parties are well rested can give the best chance of staying calm.
“It’s also important that repairing any ruptured relationships is modelled – ideally as soon as possible after harsh or loud words have been spoken,” she adds.
TALK TO THE SCHOOL
If the pattern continues, Trent says: “Arranging a meeting to discuss with the school can be an important step forward.
“If school attendance drops below a certain percentage, then it may trigger a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health services (CAMHS) and/or social care.
“If there is a pastoral department in school, then arranging for the child to spend time there doing some 1:1 or group work can be useful.
“Liaising with mental health and support services can be transformational.”
Your GP can help advise on mental health support, and some schools may also have counselling services.
However, Clements says there may be ways school staff can help – simple adjustments that could make a big difference: “For example, your child may like to be met at the gate, or being given a special job to do in the morning.”
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON?
It’s important to consider whether other factors could be coming into play.
Clements says: “Do make sure that your child is safe from harm – for example, their avoidance of school is not due to them being bullied.
“If your child is avoiding school because of their neurodivergence or other additional needs, then liaise with the Senco (special educational needs co-ordinator) to make sure reasonable adjustments are being made.”
Your child may become tearful at bedtime