The Press and Journal (Inverness, Highlands, and Islands)
I just can’t seem to please these grumpy teenagers
STEP-DAUGHTERS ARE GRUMPY AND UNGRATEFUL
When I married my husband last year, I knew that integrating our two families was never going to be easy. He has two teenage girls from his first marriage, and I have a seven-year-old son. However, things are not going well with my husband’s daughters.
They visit us every weekend and we do all we can to keep them entertained, with trips to the cinema, theme parks, sporting events and meals out. But nothing seems to be good enough.
It seems the only time they are not grumpy is when they are streaming stuff on their devices or chatting with their friends on social media. They ignore my son when he tries to join in, and this upsets him a lot. I must confess that I am glad to see the back of them when they go.
Even my husband is getting frustrated. The three-hour round trip to pick them up take them home again leaves him exhausted every time, but he sticks at it because he loves them and wants them to think of this as their second home. However, it’s not working and we’re both out of ideas.
FIONA SAYS: ARE THEY BEING HEARD?
You’re right – no one seems happy with the current arrangement, especially the children. You’re exhausting yourselves doing all the things YOU think his daughters will want, but has anyone actually asked them? Judging by their reactions, I suspect it’s not charging around all weekend in activities with adults, no matter how well-intentioned. Please have a chat with them about what they might prefer to do.
Perhaps visiting every weekend is just too much. Please don’t think I am suggesting they don’t love their father. Spending every weekend with him and his new family, though, is a painful reminder that their original family is not getting back together.
Two days with you is also a full weekend away from their usual environment and the company of their friends. Perhaps making the stays only one night would give them some valuable time to be with their peers. Alternatively, they might prefer less frequent but slightly longer stays, say during school holidays. The important thing is to let them feel that they have some say in what is happening to them.
Building a new family unit like this cannot be rushed, it takes time for trust to grow. If you struggle to get this process started, Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) has a useful section on step-families and the problems they face.