OL­LIE MINES

THE ESHER LOOSE­HEAD PROP TAKES US THROUGH HIS PET HATES FROM THE RUGBY WORLD AND BE­YOND

The Rugby Paper - - Premiership Rugby Cup -

1. Hal­loween

I went to my lo­cal shop­ping cen­tre the other day. There were dozens of plas­tic skele­tons, witches and zom­bies dan­gling from the roof. And al­most every shop had pump­kins and fake spi­der­webs in the win­dow. My pre­vail­ing thought was: does any­one ac­tu­ally en­joy this? What are we cel­e­brat­ing, ex­actly? And why is it all so hope­lessly naff? It feels like we're do­ing a bar­gain-bin ver­sion of an Amer­i­can tra­di­tion. Why do we bother when we have a per­fectly good his­tor­i­cal fes­tiv­ity just five days later? We should take all the time and ef­fort that’s go­ing into Hal­loween and re-di­rect it to Guy Fawkes Night — that no­ble cel­e­bra­tion of the tor­tur­ing and lynch­ing of sev­eral (pos­si­bly innocent) Catholics.

TRP VER­DICT: Con­grat­u­la­tions! You’ve drawn first blood.

2. Stansted Air­port

They call it LON­DON Stansted. But it shares some­thing with Lon­don Lu­ton and Lon­don Gatwick — IT’S NOWHERE NEAR LON­DON! And more im­por­tantly: it’s crap. You’d think be­cause Stansted is ba­si­cally open-plan – mean­ing it’s all in one mas­sive room – that it’d feel spa­cious. But there’s nowhere near enough space for the amount of peo­ple that pass through it. Stansted is cramped. And it’s stuffed with pissed stag and hen do’s. Which makes it the build­ing-equiv­a­lent of a RyanAir flight to Kavos.

TRP VER­DICT: Take flight and get your­self into Room 101!

3. The long pause when an­nounc­ing the win­ner of a TV com­pe­ti­tion

“The win­ner of Bake Off 2018 is …………...... (this bit is get­ting sod­ding ridicu­lous) ………… . Rahul.” Maybe when some­body first thought of do­ing the long pause, it clev­erly added to the ten­sion and sus­pense. But by God, it’s bor­ing and in­fu­ri­at­ing now! GET ON WITH IT!

TRP VER­DICT: No need to wait on our ac­count, you’ve cleaned up.

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