OLLIE MINES

THE ESHER LOOSEHEAD PROP TAKES US THROUGH HIS PET HATES FROM THE RUGBY WORLD AND BEYOND

1. Halloween

I went to my local shopping centre the other day. There were dozens of plastic skeletons, witches and zombies dangling from the roof. And almost every shop had pumpkins and fake spiderwebs in the window. My prevailing thought was: does anyone actually enjoy this? What are we celebrating, exactly? And why is it all so hopelessly naff? It feels like we're doing a bargain-bin version of an American tradition. Why do we bother when we have a perfectly good historical festivity just five days later? We should take all the time and effort that’s going into Halloween and re-direct it to Guy Fawkes Night — that noble celebration of the torturing and lynching of several (possibly innocent) Catholics.

TRP VERDICT: Congratulations! You’ve drawn first blood.

2. Stansted Airport

They call it LONDON Stansted. But it shares something with London Luton and London Gatwick — IT’S NOWHERE NEAR LONDON! And more importantly: it’s crap. You’d think because Stansted is basically open-plan – meaning it’s all in one massive room – that it’d feel spacious. But there’s nowhere near enough space for the amount of people that pass through it. Stansted is cramped. And it’s stuffed with pissed stag and hen do’s. Which makes it the building-equivalent of a RyanAir flight to Kavos.

TRP VERDICT: Take flight and get yourself into Room 101!

3. The long pause when announcing the winner of a TV competition

“The winner of Bake Off 2018 is …………...... (this bit is getting sodding ridiculous) ………… . Rahul.” Maybe when somebody first thought of doing the long pause, it cleverly added to the tension and suspense. But by God, it’s boring and infuriating now! GET ON WITH IT!

TRP VERDICT: No need to wait on our account, you’ve cleaned up.