It was a roller coaster ride around England
MY playing career has been a bit of a journey that’s for sure, from both a geographical and metaphorical perspective. I started out with my hometown club Plymouth just after my 18th birthday and retired 16 years later at the other end of the country in Newcastle, with plenty of highs and lows and other clubs in between.
Plymouth Albion to Bristol has become a bit of a well-worn path and I joined the likes of my brother Luke, Lee Robinson, Dan Ward-Smith, Alfie Tooala and Ed Barnes in going there after two seasons at Brickfields.
For me, in terms of enjoyment, not much comes close to my first season at Bristol. If you’re playing well, as I was at the time, you’re normally happy in yourself and it helped that I loved living in the city and had some good mates within the squad. To play with my brother at the top level was very special to me as well. I’d have stayed there my whole career but that was taken out of my hands when we were relegated and the club tried to give us 50 per cent pay cuts.
At that stage, I still had aspirations to play for England so when the opportunity arose to join a financially stable club like Worcester, I happily accepted it. For reasons still unknown to this day, Hilly (Richard Hill), who’d signed me for Bristol and then did so again at Worcester and Rouen, hardly played me at all, and I went through some dark times.
Years later whilst I was at Sale, I had counselling for depression and anxiety and a lot of it was traced back to Worcester where my state of mind had slipped into ‘learned helplessness’. No matter how hard I trained or whatever I did, it became apparent to me that I wouldn’t get picked. That gradually ate away at my confidence and my rugby suffered. If I could have walked away from rugby then, I would’ve done so.
Thankfully, going to London Welsh was like a complete breath of fresh air. It was rugby going back to as you remember it and gave me a new lease of life, Welsh didn’t have the facili
ties, the resources or the squad that other teams had. But we just got on with it and had a group of lads who were prepared to dig in for each other. I think that massively contributed to us nearly staying up against all odds.
Then it was on to Sale, another high and low point of my career. Up until my sacking I got on really well with Dimes (Steve Diamond), I enjoyed the coaching of Mike Forshaw and Paul Deacon, there was a cracking set of lads and Manchester was a great place to live. The way things finished there, however, will always be a tarnish on my career. I still feel bitter about being accused of passing on team information to my brother Luke. It’s not very nice but it is what it is now, and my conscience is completely clear.
Dimes has his opinion and I have mine, and it is not something we’ll ever see eye to eye on. I had gone out for a few beers because I wasn’t playing in the game against Bristol and met up with Luke and a few other Bristol lads I knew at their hotel. We chatted in general terms about the game and if anyone says they’ve
never done that, they’d be lying. For Dimes to then make out I was passing on tactical information, I found that incredible. I’d been offered a new contract and I was about to sign it. Would I treat a team that I wanted to be a part of like that?
Looking at the bigger picture, the Bristol defeat meant Sale had lost ten on the bounce. I’d had a disagreement with Dimes about the fact we’d gone into the game without a goalkicker and we lost by a point. I think he wanted an excuse for why we hadn’t performed over that two-month period, and I was it. Had Sale had a policy that you couldn’t speak to the opposition before the game then fair enough, but I didn’t know that to be case. I felt I’d been made a scapegoat.
If you go back to my disciplinary, it is all supposed to be confidential until it has come to a conclusion. But what was discussed in the Carrington clubhouse was in the press the next day and there was only me, my agent, Dimes and one other person, who I can’t recall, in the room. Dimes told the squad the morning he suspended me that I’d been sacked for giving away tactical information to Bristol, that was before we’d gone through due process. His mind was made up.
The things that were being said about me on social media weren’t particularly nice, especially for someone who felt fragile mentally. I am
sure people will have the opinion that I put myself in that position and there’s nothing you can do about that but try and get on with things and make the best out of the situation.
You realise in situations like that who real friends are. There’s too many to mention them all but Jon Mills, Charlie Ingall and Robbie Shaw were always there for me. I’d also like to thank my family for their support throughout. I’ve still got friends playing for Sale now but there were people who stepped away and didn’t want to be associated with me.
Luckily, Leeds came in for me and I got a lot of stick over the manner of my departure from Sale – but it was all good natured. The fact they were saying it to my face shows how much people believed in what was being said about me. Unfortunately, I tore my cartilage not long after I joined and only played a handful of games.
Going to Rouen allowed me to escape English rugby and the cloud that was still hanging over me. The rugby wasn’t that enjoyable but I made some good friends. France star Gabin Villiere was in the squad and if you’d have told me back then that he’d go on to achieve what he has in the game, I wouldn’t have believed you.
When my wife became pregnant we wanted to move back to England and Hilly was kind enough to let me leave after the first year of my two-year contract. Within a couple of days I had an offer from Newcastle and I met with Deano (Dean Richards) over a coffee at St Pancras and he questioned me about the circumstances at Sale. When I told him, he wasn’t worried in the slightest and I signed there and then.
Running out for my first game back in the Premiership, at home to Exeter, was the most excited, the most emotional and the most nervous I’d been before a game. It was amazing to get that opportunity again, and I can’t thank Dean or Newcastle enough.
Newcastle are a tight-knit bunch of lads and it was great to be a part of that squad. When the pandemic struck, we were declared winners of the Championship but we had to wait six months or so before the new Premiership season started. With that huge break, I struggled to keep myself fit and that led to three hamstring tears and a calf tear. I was only fit for two to three months of what turned out to be my last season.
A combination of injuries, my age – I was 34 – and the fact that a load of youngsters were coming through all contributed to my decision to retire and take up a job as an account manager in the medical industry. I miss running out in front of a crowd – especially at the Memorial Stadium, my favourite ground – just not the hard work it takes to get on the pitch!
“I still feel bitter... but it is what it is and my conscience is completely clear”