Don’t leave it too late to find out who you are and where your family members came from

Discovering Birthlink helped answer many questions, finds Ruth D

Even as young as three years old, you realise that to build a strong tower of bricks, you must provide a broad, solid foundation, with no gaps. And so it is with personal identity.

I grew up with a mother who never talked openly about her family. She ‘panned us off ’ with vague, slightly aggressive answers to our queries. We grew up with gaps in the foundation of ‘who we were’ and ‘where did we come from.’

I was the youngest of three girls, and like the littlest pig, I was the one who went the extra mile. I was so curious about everything. I liked to snoop.

Eventually my searches were rewarded by some concrete information. I found my mother’s adop- tion certificate. This raised as many questions as answers but I felt there was no way I could ask her directly.

Fast forward to my twenties. I had successfully completed a social work degree without being able to complete many of the family history exercises which were asked of us. I had moved to London from Scotland getting my first social work post.

I loved it there. No one seemed to be ‘at home’, so I fitted right in. Then, one night I was assaulted on the street by a group of young men and I subsequently sought counselling to help me to recover. Again, I was expected to reflect on my family background, and again I encountered the gaps.

Eventually I grew exasperated with the secrets and the lies, so, I wrote to my mother, hoping that sharing might lead to us having a closer, more genuine relationship. We met and she was overwhelmed with tears, feelings of hurt and bitterness.

After she began to show signs of dementia, my mother decided that my sisters and I should know her full adoption story before she died, but nothing transpired.

After our father died, my eldest sister began to do some family searching on the internet and during a meeting to chew this over, she asked me straight out ’Do you think our mother was adopted?’ I had enough of being vague and evasive over the years, so I answered ‘yes’ and the whole story flooded out. I then made time to meet my middle sister and told her. When I next saw my mum, she said she was still planning to tell my sisters her story. Then she paused and said, ‘Unless you’ve already told them?’ I answered that I had, and her response was ‘Good. I’m glad.’ Phew!

My mother moved into a residential care home and I felt so delighted when a member of staff asked her if she had a sister and she answered in the positive.

It’s the first time in my life that I have heard her say the truth about her origins to a stranger.

In January 2016, I made contact with Birthlink. My sister’s searches had found out the amazing news that our grandmother had lived,