Stayin’ Alive but only just – the tell-tale signs you’re getting old

The Age of Disco has actually ended, as Jim Duffy finally discovers on a night out with his 19-year-old daughter

When out for the evening in Edinburgh with my 19-year-old daughter, daddy was telling a story that sent her into fits of laughter. As we were chatting about dancing, I blurted out: “I guess that’s what happens at discos these days.” Well, one could have heard a pin drop in the restaurant as diners and staff stopped in their tracks, having heard a weird and anachronistic term – “disco”. As a few people quietly smirked, my daughter burst out laughing.

What had I missed, I asked. “Really dad! A disco?” Then the penny dropped. I was old. I suddenly had a flashback to my mum and dad who used to talk about the Barrowland Ballroom and how old I thought they were at the time as my generation talked about discos.

Then it made me think about things that in turn make you think youareold…

I think you know when you are old when you know how how make mince. If I asked ten teenagers how to make a good pot of mince, I bet they would have no clue. How to pick a good minced meat, how to brown the mince, straining off the fat (optional and always up for debate), adding Bisto or gravy, or jazzing things up with onion or peas so that a whole new world opens up. But alas, I feel you know you are old when the satisfaction of making a good pot of mince is as important as getting a good night’s sleep.

Also, I think you know you are getting old when getting a good night’s sleep is tough and, therefore, coveted. I always believed that older people were prone to sleeping more and longer. This may indeed happen as we hit our seventies, but I’m afraid at the ripe old age of 50, it ain’t happening anytime soon. Waking up during the night is not ideal, but for some reason as I get older, it is becoming a regular nocturnal event. This appears to happen for two reasons. First, it’s because I now must visit the toilet at about 3am or 4am every night as my waterworks start to age. I guess it’s a bit like an old toilet cistern that has been in good functioning order for years. But, as it ages, the seals get a bit frayed and it starts to leak. Well, that seems to be happening to me. The surprising thing is, I chatted to some chums recently who are also in their fifties, and they laughed at me when I told then I have to pee far more often at night these days. Yeah! We were all suffering from leaky pipes. Second, I have no clue about this really but I just think it’s simply a matter of the ageing process. Sorry, I cannot offer any better explanation here.

Then there is the slam dunk that you know you are getting old – you would rather stay in than go out of an evening. Whether it is to the ballroom, the disco or the club, it’s just not for you any longer. The thought of dressing up and being sociable in a noisy bar no longer floats your boat. No, you’d rather cosy up with your pot of mince, a nice bottle of red wine and a dose of Eastenders or Vikings on Amazon. Perhaps catch up with some current affairs on the BBC iplayer after your bath with lots of Radox. And, of course, a nice scented candle. Yes, the thought of going out these days sends shivers down your spine. And thank Heavens for central heating.

You know you’re old when at least once a week you feel tearful or emotional at a headline in the news or when watching a movie that involves love, children or animals that have had a hard time. You get emotional watching the myriad of charity adverts on daytime TV, where either a dog