Adoption: Five parents share their life-changing family stories
What sort of people adopt children and what are the children like? To mark Adoption Week Scotland Robert Swift, an adoptive parent himself and author of Adopting a Child in Scotland, has talked with five adoptive parents who share their stories
Lucy sometimes asks why she hasn’t got a mummy and John and Adam talk openly with her about how all families are different
John always thought he’d be a father one day. His friends and family all said he’d make a great dad. His partner, Adam, was just as keen. They’d ruled out surrogacy because they wanted to parent on an equal footing and enquired about adoption in their early 30s. After an assessment and approval process, Lucy was placed with them and their lives changed forever. They’d initially been “matched” with two little brothers, but the legal process became protracted and after months of anxious uncertainty they decided not to continue.
John vividly remembers taking Lucy, then aged one, home to live with them. “We got a flat tyre and had to be rescued by Adam’s brother. Lucy became upset and we were worried that passers-by might think two strange guys were stealing a child! But we calmed her down. We’d been told to keep our family away for a while to allow her to settle, but here she was in the back of her uncle’s car beaming away!” John feels they were lucky to have such a young child placed with them. Legal issues and other delays mean that children can be much older when they are adopted. John says their social worker was excellent. She became a friend and was a witness at their wedding.
John and Adam met Lucy’s birth parents before adopting her. They were all nervous at first but the meeting was handled well. The birth parents were reassured that Lucy would be loved, and John and Adam can tell Lucy about them and how they wanted what was best for her. There’s a photo of John and Adam with Lucy’s birth parents on the mantelpiece. “You need to be comfortable about these things,” says John.
Some adoptive parents feel love at first sight with their children, but it took a while for John. Lucy took ages to settle at night and screamed at meal times; everything was new for her. John took nine months adoption leave from work while Adam continued his career in education. It was hard going for them both but after a few months things settled down. Two years on John describes Lucy as loving, funny, beautiful and an absolute terror. Everyone dotes on her and she lights up the room. John and Adam make sure Lucy has good strong women in her life, drawn from their wider families. Lucy sometimes asks why she hasn’t got a mummy and John and Adam talk openly with her about how all families are different. Being a parent is never easy and parenting an adopted child is always complicated. Would John recommend adoption to others? “Adoption’s been amazing for us. Go for it. But if you’re adopting as a couple be open and honest with each other about wishes, expectations and feelings, right from the start.”
‘Nothing fully prepares you for the reality; the first few months were exhausting’
The death of a close friend made Pam realise that she wanted to live her life to the full and becoming a parent was part of that. Her family were very supportive and this was vital to Pam as a single adopter. Bethany is now aged nine, but sometimes behaves like a two- year-old. Pam had expressed an interest in other children before hearing about Bethany, but feels some social workers tended to favour twoparent families. “Of course you can share the load if you have a partner,” she says, “but as a single parent you can be really consistent in the care you give and that can be important for children who have suffered trauma in the past, like Bethany.”
Bethany had experienced neglect and had lived in two foster placements in England by the time she came to Pam. She missed her foster carers and had to adjust to a different culture and get to know her new mum. Pam was given lots of information about her, “but nothing fully prepares you for the reality; the first few months were exhausting.” There was even a language barrier. Pam recalls telling Bethany to give the dog a clap, and in response she burst into a round of applause!
Pam goes to support groups and training run by Adoption UK, where other adoptive families understand what it’s like. She’s kept in touch with Bethany’s foster carers and she and Bethany have visited Bethany’s half sister and her adoptive family in England. It’s helped Bethany to know that she is not the only one in the family to have been adopted; that she’s in no way to blame. Pam has letterbox contact with Bethany’s birth parents. This involves the exchange of letters and the birth parents send photos. Pam sends pictures drawn by Bethany. Bethany is the centre of Pam’s world. “She tells me she loves me a hundred times a day. It’s lovely to hear but it shows her insecurity, even after five years together.” Pam feels strongly that all adoptive families should have access to high quality support. “Many adopted children have experienced lots of trauma which leaves mental, emotional and physical scars that can last for life.”
‘He’s great company. We love him so much; he’s our son for ever’
Brendan, came to Hazel and Frank ten years ago, when he was three and they were well into their forties. “After a year or so, we used to say that anyone looking at our family wouldn’t be able to see the join. Although we are fairly old to have a son Brendan’s age we seem to fit together. He is fair
and I get my hair tinted the same colour as his. We both wear glasses and he has skinny legs like his dad. We look like a family that has always been together. Over time you even develop similar mannerisms.”
Hazel says Brendan was neglected from the moment of conception. His mother used illicit drugs during pregnancy and for the two years he lived with her after being born, and the full impact on his development is not known. He had two foster placements before being adopted. He’s been waiting for a planned appointment with mental health services (CAMHS) for 18 months to see if he’s on the autistic spectrum. Hazel feels that if he understands his condition he might be able to manage it better.
Hazel was a senior manager in public services before adopting, “but being an adoptive mum has been by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she says. “You have to be a therapist as well as a mum.” Brendan used to trash his room, hit Hazel and Frank and say he hated them. “We took turns to stay with him at night, letting him regress to fill in the gaps in his early years.” Brendan has a life story book which records his life and helps him make sense of his past. The book continues to get longer. Brendan’s birth parents have both now died. Hazel and Frank commemorated this with Brendan. He’d thought he might meet his birth mother one day and ask her questions. Since she died he’s been in touch with a sibling in foster care and they are working towards a meeting. He’s also in touch with a half sister. It’s difficult getting the balance between contact that is helpful and that which compounds earlier trauma. Brendan hasn’t many friends and keeps his parents busy. He loves dancing and performing and anything to do with Harry Potter. Hazel takes him to the ballet and Frank and he go to the cinema. The family go to the beach a lot and enjoy short breaks and holidays. “He’s great company. We love him so much; he’s our son for ever. But the trauma doesn’t magically go away when children are adopted. Like other careexperienced children, they should get ongoing support and therapy. It’s too much of a lottery at the moment,” says Hazel.
‘He’s had a difficult start in life and needs rules and structure, but we also have lots of fun’
After being approved to adopt, Matthew saw Johnnie’s picture on a website of children waiting for adoption and could see that they had lots in common like dancing, walking and music. He was drawn to Johnnie’s outgoing personality and energy. The profile said Johnnie needed a two-parent family to cope with his demands, but on hearing more about Matthew, a gay single man just turned 30, Johnnie’s social worker could see this could work for Johnnie. Johnnie moved in with Matthew in the summer after an intensive transition week when Matthew stayed in a hotel close to the foster home so that he and Johnnie could have lots of contact. Since then he’s turned five-years-old. “The house is like a Spiderman explosion”, says Matthew, “we both like superheroes.”
Matthew is full of zest and drive. He gets support from his family and from the local community where Johnnie started school after the summer. “During the preparation process they said it takes a village to raise a child,” says Matthew, “and they were right”. Matthew and Johnnie go to events organised by the adoption agency: picnics, story-telling days and training. His social worker is his “rock” he says. Matthew hopes he might find a partner one day, but being a parent was his number one priority. He’s on adoption leave from his job in industry at the moment and Johnnie takes up all his time. “He’s had a difficult start in life and needs rules and structure, but we also have lots of fun.”
Johnnie had lived with a single foster carer before being placed for adoption and they keep in touch with her. Johnnie seems to take being part of a single parent family in his stride. He settled in quickly but Matthew knows there will be challenges in the years to come. Matthew recently met Johnnie’s birth mum. “She said she was happy he was being adopted by me and that a weight had been lifted.”
Matthew is deeply committed to Johnnie. “He’s a superstar. I think I’ll adopt again in a few years’ time, as long as Johnnie’s OK with that.”
‘I couldn’t love my children anymorethanidoandi’ma much better and nicer person for having their influence’
Jan says adoption is the best thing she and her husband, Dave have ever done. It was on her 40th birthday that she first saw photographs of the twins who were to become their children. They had turned to adoption after three unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Harry and Amy had suffered serious neglect and at the age of three first Harry then Amy became fostered. They were nearly six when they came to Jan and Dave. Fifteen years later Amy is forging a successful career in the equestrian industry. Harry is back home, having gone through a rocky period at college. But he’s finding his feet again, volunteering for a local charity and thinking of starting his own business. He’s getting counselling from the adoption agency which approved Jan and Dave.
Jan and Dave are very proud of their children, but have had to work hard. At primary school teachers couldn’t grasp the impact of Harry’s early experiences of neglect and trauma and couldn’t manage his behaviour. So Jan and Dave taught him at home till a more positive school was found. High school has been better because his teachers are more used to dealing with complex behaviour.
There have been other issues; the children’s birth parents both died after they were adopted and Jan and Dave had to support them through this. “When you adopt you become a mum forever,” Jan says. “I couldn’t love my children any more than I do and I’m a much better and nicer person for having their influence. When you start the adoption process it’s all about what you want, but once you meet your children it’s about them. They are the ones that have had the tougher journey and it wasn’t their choice.”