I want my funeral to be ‘probably the best funeral in the world’

Funerals can be depressing, so Jim Duffy is thinking about how to liven things up a bit at his ‘big day’

Icould never understand why Carlsberg got way with calling its lager “probably the best lager in the world”.

Nevertheless, the marketing team at this giant behemoth of a brewing company did a great job. The tagline stuck for decades and I think I actually had a few Carlsbergs over the years.

But, it got me thinking about other things in life where one could use the term – probably – then hype up the story. Probably the best car in the world. Probably the best phone in the world. Probably the best kettle in the world.

But, in exploring this deeper, I thought about the lasting impression one could leave on this planet. So, for me it has to be the: “Probably the best funeral in the world.”

It’s an age thing. There are three things in this life that I cannot stomach. The first is big groups of noisy people. The second is hospitals. And the third is funerals.

The latter are just so mind-numbingly depressing, at least the ones that I have been to. Firstly, there is the funeral Mass which can be a long and drawn-out affair.

I noted recently that the Bishop of Motherwell had put his foot down, saying only the celebrant, a priest, could actually do the talking here. No eulogies from family or friends. I wondered if this was a form of social control.

Once the tedium of scripture readings, homilies, bidding prayers and a whole lot more are over with, your tummy is rumbling and your mind has already wandered off on several plains. Then, comes the actual funeral bit, where the pain goes on longer.

But it doesn’t end there unfortunately. It’s then off to the crematorium or cemetery. The cemetery is usually a muddy affair, where your

nice posh Sunday shoes get dirty and, of course, it always feels bleak and it rains. The priest will say a few words and again it is all very formal. Usually by this time, one is wondering whether it will be Scotch broth and steak pie or uninspiring handcut sandwiches with awful processed meat at the reception. I can’t say it is much fun.

Of course, the crematorium offers a different experience. For one your shoes remain clean and it is warmer. But, once the deceased disappears through the curtains, the family at least get a chance to play a song that the deceased liked. For many in crematoriums in Scotland, there is a joint number one – either Simply the Best by Tina Turner or You’ll Never Walk Alone by Gerry and the Pacemakers. And this is where I think we can be a bit more creative.

To be awarded the “Probably the best funeral in the world” title, you are going to have to think out of the box … if you will pardon the pun.

Firstly, do you want to go down the religious route? If so, then you may be stymied by God. He does not appear to want too much fuss, too much palaver and most definitely nothing too raunchy. Your chums may not be able to eulogise during the event and you won’t get your favourite song till the end.

So, maybe try a humanist gig. And this is where probably the best funeral template in the world exists.

After all, it is your big day. In fact, the biggest day of your life on this Earth after the day you came into it. So, why not go out with a bang?

Perhaps you might want to consider the following to help you win the title.

Firstly the dress code. Black is so yesterday, so how about you ask your guests to dress to a theme. That theme, of course, could be one that is special to you. Your funeral guests