Conviction

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Just tell the truth. I’ve said that to my own kids. What a ridiculous thing to teach children. No one wants to hear it. There has to be a reason to tell the truth. I stopped some time ago and, let me tell you, it was great. Best decision I ever made. Lie and lie again, make up a name, a background, your likes and dislikes, just fabricate the whole thing. So much more rational. But I’m telling you the truth in this book. There’s a very good reason for that.

I ruined my life by telling the truth. I was very young. My mum had just died. Men gathered in my garden at night to shout abuse at my house because I wouldn’t lie. Everyone started discussing what was wrong with me, with people like me. Someone nailed a dead cat to my front door in protest. A man broke into my house and tried to kill me to shut me up.

So I shut up and I ran. I changed my name. I became secretive and careful and sealed off that part of my life; I never told it again. When anything even touching on that story came up – house fires, Gretchen Teigler, football – I went to the loo or changed the subject. I didn’t feel as if I was lying, I just wasn’t Sophie Bukaran any more. I was Anna Mcdonald and those things were nothing to do with me. I felt safe. When you’re tired and young and frightened and the whole world hates you, shutting up is luxurious.

But now I’m telling that story again. Why am I writing a whole book about it for you to read? What changed? I wouldn’t be doing it if my life hadn’t imploded that morning. I’m no hero. I’m not a whistle- blower of tremendous personal courage, content to be hounded to my grave because I will not be silenced. I’m truth- telling for a very different reason. It’s less laudable but a bit more relatable, maybe. And it’s the truth.

About the author

Denise Mina is the author of the Garnethill trilogy, the Paddy Meehan series and the Alex Morrow series. Her last novel, The Long Drop, won the Mcilvanney Prize for Scottish Crime Book of the Year and the Gordon Burn Prize. She lives and works in Glasgow. Conviction is published by Vintage on 16 May, price £ 14.99