Revenge by Eurovision

Our continental neighbours may have spent a great deal of the past few years telling us how much they wish we’d reconsider our decision to quit the European club, but they showed the United Kingdom precious little love on Saturday night.

While The Netherlands’ Duncan Laurence stormed to victory in the Eurovision Song Contest with an impressive 492 points, the UK’S Michael Rice finished in last placed with a meagre 16. Online, theories abound about why Mr Rice fared so badly. Was he out of tune? Was

the song in the wrong key? On the first of those questions, let us just say that being out of tune did not prevent the event’s special guest, Madonna, receiving a rapturous reaction to her performance.

We believe the explanation for Michael Rice’s crushing defeat is more easily explained. The UK has spent almost three years being an enormous pain in the European backside. Mr Rice – whose forgettable Bigger Than Us was easily better than at least half a dozen other entries – was doomed to come bottom of the Eurovision chart before a single performer had sung a note.