Your Brownie guide to making the most of the madness of the world’s biggest arts festival
Lucy Porter’s new Fringe show is about being ready for whatever life throws at you. Here she shares her tips on how to survive the mayhem that is Edinburgh in August
I’ve called my new Fringe show Be Prepared. It’s all about dealing with the unexpected events that life throws our way. It was inspired by the slogan I lived by when I was a Brownie (1st Croydon pack, I was Sixer of the Gnomes, not that I like to brag about it, but it’s still on my CV).
I’d been reminiscing about my time in the Scouting movement because my kids have just joined Beavers. Things are very different to how they were in my day, Beavers is unisex and they wear turquoise sweatshirts, so they look a bit like members of a 1980s religious cult. My Brownies uniform was a ridiculously thin cotton dress, with a ridiculously thick brown bobble hat so that some part of you was always too hot or too cold, whatever the weather.
I’ve been thinking about how simple life seemed back in the days when all
I was worried about was earning my Hostess badge and remembering not to let the flag touch the floor at church parade. I thought that nothing could go wrong as long as I had my emergency 10p for the phonebox, and a piece of string so I could tie a fisherman’s knot. Obviously, life proved a bit more complicated than that, but in this show I’m examining how
the lessons I learned as a kid in Brownies have helped me out with heartbreak, death and disaster.
Even in the context of the Edinburgh Festival, there have been some surprises over the years. The first time I performed a solo show at the Fringe, I was the victim of an Act of God. On the very first night in my shared flat, the rain was so torrential that the roof fell in. Luckily, I was used to braving the elements thanks to my time at Brownie and Guide camp, and so I just pulled the duvet over my head and went back to sleep. My resilience only lasted so far though, and the next day I called my agent in tears and insisted on being moved to another flat.
The next year I was doing a show at the Gilded Balloon that involved props and costumes. One Saturday night a thief got backstage and took the bag with everything in it – not the first time someone’s stolen the show at the Fringe, but very annoying. I only discovered the bag was missing immediately before showtime, and the audience was starting to come in. I used the skills I’d learned for my Entertainer badge to do the show without the missing accoutrements and it was much better as a result of me not faffing around with props and having to get changed.
Of course, I haven’t even got time to list all the times that I’ve had to change direction during a show because of a drunk audience member, a technical problem (like the time I accidentally blew all the fuses in the Pleasance by setting off a pyrotechnic effect) or just forgetting what I was going to say next. In fact, given the nature of live comedy and the Festival, every year there are things that go awry, and force me to improvise both onstage and offstage. I’ve been coming to Edinburgh in August for decades, so I thought I’d share some of my tips with any novices. Here are some ways that first-timers can Be Prepared for some common Fringe pitfalls.
BE PREPARED FOR… THE WEATHER
Last year the Fringe began whilst there was a heatwave in England. Friends arrived at Waverley Station in flipflops and shorts, and were delighted with the slightly cooler air in Scotland, as they’d been unable to sleep at night in the stifling heat south of the Border. Their relief turned to despair as, a few days into the Festival, the temperatures plummeted and the rain began. My advice to Fringe novices is to pack for sun, rain, wind and snow. Even if you don’t need your thong bikini or snow shoes, you can always find a student theatre group who’ll hire them as props or costume for their show.
BE PREPARED FOR… FAMOUS PEOPLE
The streets of Edinburgh are packed with familiar faces during August. Particularly during the TV Festival at the end of the month, there’s always a chance you’ll be getting served in a pub and lock eyes with Stephen Fry, Alan Titchmarsh or a Cheeky Girl across the bar. If you do think you’ve spotted someone famous, just greet them with a simple, “Hey there! Love your work!” Don’t be the man I saw last year, who fell down the Waverley Steps almost from top to bottom running after Jeremy Corbyn trying to get a selfie. The poor man was fine once we’d picked him up and dusted him off. Although he was a bit dismayed when we broke it to him that the man he thought was JC was just my uncle Phil from Coventry.
BE PREPARED FOR… FESTIVAL ROMANCE
If you’re young, single and looking to mingle there are plenty of opportunities for love. Alcohol flows freely, it’s very easy to fall into conversations with strangers, and a feeling of fun and excitement pervades the very air of the city. With the benefit of years of experience,
“The first time I performed a solo show at the Fringe, I was the victim of an Act of God”
may I gently steer you away from the comedians and actors (they will only want to talk about themselves and their shows) and towards the technical staff at the venues (they are much more fun and carry tools with them that can open bottles or get a stone out of a horse’s hoof ). I met the man who is now my husband at the Gilded Balloon many years ago, so let that be a warning to you!
BE PREPARED FOR… EATING AND DRINKING
Edinburgh is full of amazing restaurants, serving a dazzling array of world cuisines. From high-end, fancy-pants gourmet eateries to cheap and cheerful, tasty street food stalls, there is something for every pocket and palate. Unfortunately, as a festival-goer, you won’t have time to sample any of these, you will grab yourself a meal deal from Tesco Express whilst running from the Pleasance Courtyard to George Square. Also, in terms of drinking, two words: pace yourself! You really don’t want to have to rush to the loo for a wee or a boak whilst a stand-up comic is on stage.
BE PREPARED FOR… THE LEAFLETERS
For many people, the constant attempts to get you to take a piece of paper advertising our shows become incredibly wearing as the Fringe month goes on. As someone who has had to hand out flyers in the past, I can tell you it’s no picnic from the other side either. The best solution if someone tries to thrust a leaflet into your hand is just to shout very loudly: “No thanks, I’ve already seen it and it’s FANTASTIC!” Even if the leafleter knows you’re lying, they won’t care because you’re boosting their potential word-of mouth ticket sales.
I hope these tips are helpful, but to be absolutely safe do bring a spare 10p and a length of string as well.
● Lucy Porter: Be Prepared is at The Pleasance Cabaret Bar at 6.40pm from 31 July-17 August. See tickets.edfringe. com/whats-on/lucy-porter-beprepared