Twitter’s false
Kevan Christie calls for a ban on Twitter after his hopes for Labour in the general election were dashed
The post-election soulsearching has been completed and, after a period of analysis, I’ve decided it would be best for everyone in the Labour Party if Twitter did the decent thing and resigned.
I’m done with this not very social networking site. Another election night ruined. No sooner had I laid out the Mini Cheddars, mini sausage rolls and giant chocolate buttons, than something called an ‘Exit Poll’ came along to spoil the party.
At 9:59pm I told my wife to buy a new outfit and prepare for government – five minutes later on the stroke of 10.04pm I had knocked over my can of Diet Coke and stormed off to bed in a giant huff.
I then spent a sleepless night trying to get my head round the prospect of at least five more years of Tory rule. And it was all Twitter’s fault as our dreams withered on the (Jeremy) Vine. Ouch.
Even the prospect of Boris giving everyone in Scotland free Tunnock’s on the NHS and lemonade coming oot the taps was no consolation.
Things were never going to get better. I believed Jeremy was going to lead Labour to at worst a hung parliament, Johnson’s own seat was under threat and the #Youthquake, #Oldquake and #Middleagedquake were actual movements at the vanguard of the nation’s momentous shift to the left.
However, in the end it was more #Flake than Quake as Labour’s hopes crumbled. Brexit was going ahead and we’d all soon be eating chlorinated chicken suppers courtesy of Donald Trump.
But, according to Twitter, everything was going great.
I’d been following events closely on the social networking site, listening to the views of respected political commentators and rejoicing at the brilliance of Marina Hyde from the Guardian and assorted other left-leaning columnists destroying Tory creeps and their stupid Leave voting followers.
It felt good to be on the right side of history, a fully paid-up member of the Kool Club – look there’s Laura Kuenssberg being biased