Hope vanished at 10.04
again, favouring the Tories with her one Downing Street source who we all know is that maverick genius Dominic Cummings. Antisemitism in the Labour Party? What a load of old cobblers – yet another rightwing conspiracy aimed at usurping the Prime Minister in waiting, our soon to be glorious leader Jeremy Corbyn.
These Tories will go to any lengths to gain power, even photoshopping a picture of Diane Abbott wearing odd shoes. Desperate.
We knew they were on the ropes because Twitter said so.
The youth had turned out in force, the elderly had rallied for Labour and rows of mobility scooters could be seen outside polling booths, lined up like motorbikes at an Iron Maiden gig.
Of course, in the end, it was all nonsense with Boris storming to power and Labour recording their worst election performance, in terms of seats, since 1935.
Up here in what was once Scottish Labour land, the party that had 41 MPS just four years ago were left with just one, the redoubtable Jambo Ian Murray, with the rest of them pretending he doesn’t exist. Bless.
‘Inspirational’ leader Richard Leonard said “the voters have spoken and we must listen” while laying the blame Scooby Doo-style on those meddling kids – Brexit and
Scottish independence. Last time, I checked he still hadn’t resigned.
My Leave-voting friend from Sheffield summed up the mood in the North of England perfectly when he said: “They called us thick, racists, gammon and Nazis and still expected us to vote Labour.”
Tony Blair has now crawled out the woodwork as some Labour voters remember the glory days of three election victories in a row.
He took us to an illegal war with Iraq and we may ask “what did Tony Blair ever do for us?”
Well for starters, dear reader, there were the record levels of investment in the NHS, the European Convention on Human Rights, the introduction of the minimum wage, the low-pay commission, tax credits, the reduction of poverty among pensioners and the Good Friday Agreement.
But he still doesn’t deserve a pass for Iraq – we’ll review it in another 100 years, Tony – get back in your box. So, what of Twitter itself? The site has become an echo chamber for bitterness and rancour.
It’s replaced the bedroom as the go-to-place of sanctuary for all those now grown-up kids who would lock the door and listen to their Smiths albums, before Morrissey became a Ukip fanboy.
In the past week on Twitter, I was duped into believing Paul Mccartney
was getting the band back together after #Wings was trending. Well the rain exploded with a mighty crash, I tell you, when this turned out not to be a long-awaited reunion but the permanent banning from Twitter of pro-indy blogger Stuart Campbell – he of Wings Over Scotland infamy.
I can’t say I followed much of his stuff but his Wikipedia entry says that in 1988 Campbell won the UK National Computer Games Championship’s ZX Spectrum category, having been a runner-up in the Scottish heats earlier that year.
Campbell’s Wings has been kicked off Twitter for repeated violations of its “Hateful Conduct Policy” but, if you ask me, this will do him the world of good as he was spending too much time on that bloody computer anyway. The fresh air will do you good, sir.
I hark back to a more innocent time when social media was in its infancy. Friends Reunited let you keep tabs on old school friends, Myspace introduced us to new music and something called Bebo was the place for the drunken work’s night out pictures.
But it’s all gone sour. Twitter has to go, it’s a force for bad in the world and we should aim to get rid of it before the next US election. That would certainly put The Donald’s gas at a peep. Now there’s a thought.