Hard Brexit is

It’s been a bad week for new SNP spin doctor Murray Foote but why should care when we still have Tunnocks?

‘Ode to Joy”, for we are all European now, us Scots. Forget that 31 January departure date – this is not an exit – no less a figure than Donald “where’s your troosers” Tusk declared by way of a love bomb to the nation on last weekend’s Andy Marr show.

Donald had to stop himself from “saying something too blunt” but promised to have a word with the bouncers to see if his beloved Scotland can get back into the EU club at some point in the future.

However, the first week of a hard Brexit has been a bit soft.

We haven’t run out of milk, toilet roll or Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers yet and I was able to buy some Ibuprofen for my dodgy knee without having to shell out two grand to Big John from Big Pharma.

People whose previous experience of Europe was going to their mate

Barry’s stag weekend in Prague (cheap bevvy) or travelling to Seville to “watch” Celtic play Porto in the 2003 UEFA Cup Final declared themselves European.

“I am European, for I have journeyed to Santa Posna and watched Only Fools and Horses on an alldayer in the Jaggy Thistle pub.”

Growing up, I loved listening to European bands like The Jam, The Specials and Madness while pretending to like films with subtitles starring Gerard Depardieu.

On Brexit Day the SNP paid for a “Scotland Loves Europe” or “Europe Loves Scotland” symbol to be projected onto the European Commission headquarters in Brussels where a couple of cleaners had left the Big Light on in one of the offices – while they nipped to the boozer.

This was construed as them leaving a light on for Scotland but a commission spokesperson later