Don’t ask me, I don’t know
Ever since she turned 35, Anna Morris has been asked when she is going to reproduce. Overfamiliarity with her fertility has inspired her new Radio 4 comedy Kid-life Crisis
I’m 40 years old and I’m having a kid-life crisis. It’s a bit like a man’s mid-life crisis but without the sports car, leather jacket and hair plugs (I’ve removed the ‘younger woman’ bit – guilty – my boyfriend is 10-years younger than me). Instead, it’s a feeling of dread that my face is about to collapse and a daily ‘do I need Botox’ Google, boobs which are starting to look a bit depressed and a reminder going off in my womb every morning: ‘your fertility is rapidly declining’.
That reminder doesn’t just come from my Alexa, it comes from other people; friends, family, strangers. All reminding me (once I hit 35): ‘tick tock tick tock you haven’t got long!’.
I was single for most of my 30s. Until, at the age of 37, I unexpectedly met my boyfriend on a job. I spent the ‘honeymoon phase’ panicking about my ovaries and trying to broach the subject casually: ‘Morning! Do you want breakfast? Do you want kids? Because my eggs are dying so we should hurry up if so – I mean the eggs in my ovaries – not the ones in my kitchen! Ha ha! Do you know what an ovary is? WAIT – WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BACK!!’.
The conversation actually came out after too much wine and was accompanied by crying and several contradictory statements (from both of us) such as ‘I’m not sure! I’m not ready! What about holidays? We don’t even live together yet! Should we just get a dog? What’s the latest we can leave it?’
It didn’t help that he had decades to decide. If it didn’t work out, would I end up alone pushing my cats in a pram while he pushed his kids on a swing with his younger, still fertile girlfriend? Mick Jagger was 73 when he had his last child. 73! Imagine if we could wait that long? On the flipside, if men don’t want kids they can just get a vasectomy. If a woman wants to be sterilised pre-40 she’s patronisingly told to wait as she might ‘regret it’ or change her mind. Why do people assume we all want children or that it’s simply our role or a biological impulse? Why do people think it’s OK to ask? I would never choose to ask someone why they DO have kids.
So my kid-life crisis is a constant panic that I’m running out of time to conceive. And the worry that if
I did get pregnant, it would either complete my life OR totally ruin it. Because from what I’ve seen, children can do both... I’ve seen intelligent women swinging between euphoric joy after their baby’s first steps and a complete meltdown because they can’t find Peppa Pig.
The only good thing about getting to 40 without procreating is you can stand back and watch everyone else do it first, giving you an automatic list of pros and cons. Although it means you swing between ‘let’s do it now!’ to ‘I’m setting three daily reminders to take my pill’ moments.
Although social media gives the impression that having kids is the best thing in the world, real-life anecdotes from friends make me question that… For example, my friend’s twins proudly announced they’d made cement for their Duplo bricks… out of poo from their nappies. She’s now even referring to her own children as The Krays. Kittens become cats, puppies become dogs... and some babies become brats. There are no guarantees.
Some people tell me they’ve had kids so there’s someone to look after them when they’re older. What happens if mine bugger off to Australia? Which
The worst thing about a Kid-life Crisis is the fear. Fear of regretting not trying. Fear of regretting having them
is fair enough, I’ve toured there – the beaches, the weather… I could go on…
I love my seven-year-old niece and three-year-old nephew. They are fun to hang out with, watch films with and cuddle. Kids are fun. I love being silly and have a really childish side to me, so it could be great to have my own and then have my freedom back when they are 18 and they fly the nest. Right? Let’s factor-in the current economic climate. I’m predicting that my kids would probably still be living me when they are 30. Or 40. Which is fine if they don’t hate me and do the washing up but not great if they are a complete A-hole. I’ve had plenty of bad flatmates in my life (including the guy who made fish every night during a heatwave and didn’t open the windows). I’m not sure if I can deal with going through that again.
I hate the noises children’s toys make, I like sleeping, I’m impatient and I sometimes have Shreddies for dinner. I’m not sure any of this would make me a suitable mother.
However, I love my boyfriend to bits and think he’d be a wonderful dad. I like a challenge and maybe a kid would make me get out of my own over-thinking brain for once and focus on the here and now.
The worst thing about a Kid-life Crisis is the fear. Fear of regret. Fear of regretting not trying (that’s assuming I still have a choice and my reproductive organs haven’t been closed down like Debenhams). Fear of regretting having them. There’s a Facebook group called I Regret Having Children in which people can post anonymously – their tales of parental despair, often tragic and shocking. We don’t always see the other side of maternity on social media – just like people never see my regular acne-ridden face some mornings because I use foundation and 200 filters. We show the world what we want them to see. We compare, despair and long for things we might not be able to even have.
The pandemic made me wake up and realise I was catastrophising, panicking and not living in the present. It made me value my health and that of my family and friends. It made me grateful to my partner and to focus on creating comedy to make people laugh, to make people happy. Not creating a new life just to fill a void or stop other people judging me.
If we have a baby it will be through love and not through fear. For now we’re just enjoying our time together and our lovely new kitten (who doesn’t wake us up crying but does attack my feet and nibble my hair when I’m asleep). Whatever path I take, I will make the most of that choice and respect those who live a different life. There are so many joys to motherhood and ‘otherhood – so let’s celebrate both.
Anna Morris: Kid-life Crisis is on BBC Radio 4 tomorrow, 7:15pm and available on BBC Sounds after broadcast.