QUOTES of the week
‘Brussels is too big, too bossy and too interfering.’
David Cameron strains to reclaim the Eurosceptic voter after Ukip’s electoral triumph last week.
‘If I’m somewhere and there was four really ugly girls, I’m thinking, well, she’s not the worst. That’s all you are.’
Footballer Joey Barton damns Ukip with the faintest, sexist praise on BBC1’s Question Time.
‘Is it acceptable to stand at the bar at Leatherhead and get bladdered? Absolutely not.’
Police Federation chief Steve White warns members to change after alleged drinking on expenses at the Surrey HQ.
‘As we say in science, England couldn’t hit a cow’s a*** with a banjo.’
Professor Stephen Hawking translates his complex formula for the nation’s World Cup chances into layman’s terms.
‘Like watching Nigella and then having beans on toast; a glimpse of paradise before returning to the unmown lawn and Japanese knotweed.’
Jonathan Dimbleby visits the Chelsea Flower Show.
‘Bankers made enormous sums before the crisis, taxpayers picked up the tab. That has had a corrosive effect on society.’
Bank of England Governor Mark Carney calls for a clampdown on City misdeeds.
‘A tall, pretty blonde walked past, then again and then for a third time, and I realised it was different people going to the same doctor.’
Portrait artist Jonathan Yeo discovers the effect of widespread cosmetic surgery in California.
‘If Blair and Brown had managed the same double act, Labour would still be in power today.’
Lord Mandelson looks enviously to the united front of Cameron and Osborne.
‘They’ll be licking ice creams in hell before I give up acrylic nails.’
Anthea Turner is adamant – you mess with her manicure at your peril.