You won’t BELIEVE what they tell me!

I don’t like those sharks being killed, they are endangered… how many Russian billionaires need a shark in their home? No f***ing way would I have his work in my living room.

– Photographer David LaChapelle assures me at a private viewing of his latest exhibition that his dislike of Damien Hirst’s work is rooted in his love of animals not an envy of

the artist’s vast wealth.

I hope he puts a ring on my finger soon. Hopefully when he reads me saying this in The Mail on Sunday it will make him propose even sooner.

– Captain America actress

Hayley Atwell enlists my help to put pressure on her rock star boyfriend Evan Jones to pop the question. Evan – order that sparkler immediately!

I hate kilts. They are like the coward’s transvestism.

– Artist Grayson

Perry advises me that kilts don’t count if I want to be a proper cross-dresser

like him. Good to know.

Oh, shock horror! I mean who gives a s***? You either smoke a bit of dope in secret or let it out. I don’t really care if their career finishes or not. My advice to them would be to watch your accountant. And sign everything yourself.

– Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour tells me he’s more concerned about the health of One Direction’s bank

accounts than the state of pot-smoker Zayn Malik’s lungs.

Politics is the nearest thing I know to being on active service. The bullets are flying all the time and if you make a mistake you pay the price.

– Paddy Ashdown reminds me that before his career in politics he served his country as an officer in the Special Boat Service and the

Royal Marines.