All women are at risk from this callous, depraved man
IT has been three and a half years since Adrian Ruddock decided to violently and repeatedly rape me. Decided. As you read this, please remember: he made a conscious choice to brutalise my body.
It has had a horrific, irrevocable, impact upon my life which persists even today.
Prior to December 16, 2010, I was a happy, independent woman with a bright future ahead of me. I was 19 years old, a mother, studying business and I had been living on my own since the age of 16. That all changed.
Initially after the assault, I was in a state of shock. My body was bruised; cut and torn open from head to toe. These physical wounds healed, but my mind did not. In days, months and years that followed, I was a broken shell of the vibrant woman I used to be. I didn’t want to live; I didn’t want to be that broken person. My mental health deteriorated to a point where I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for over three weeks after attempting suicide twice. To go from being a happy young woman who thrived on her independence to being held in a psychiatric unit, unable to leave or even use a knife unsupervised is extraordinarily cruel.
I was eventually diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (Ptsd) as a direct result of Adrian Ruddock’s decision that night. My mother was forced to move in with me to aid my recovery. I dropped out of college. I didn’t live — I existed.
It’s hard to describe just how debilitating Ptsd is: some days I am OK, others I am living in my own personal hell. Panic attacks and nightmares plague my existence. Even today, when I’m home alone, any noise — a creaky door, the wind outside — sends me into a hyper-vigilant frenzy, struggling to breathe, while desperately trying to protect myself. They aren’t as frequent as they once were, but they are still here. I regularly see a psychiatrist and rely on heavy medication to get through each day. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I’m still scared of the dark. The
‘ Suicidal S thoughts come more often ft than I would like to admit ’
suicidal thoughts come more often than I would like to admit, and sadly, they come more now that it is nearing his parole date.
The truth is, I am healing. I will never be the person I was, but I am becoming stronger each day. However, I’m in a state of limbo. The moment I admit I am getting better, I am haunted by the realisation that it is merely temporary, because when he is released, I know in my heart that everything will change.
In writing this, I adamantly oppose the release of Adrian Ruddock.
I cannot begin to describe the terror that I feel inside when I think about seeing him again. Seeing his face in court — with the security of police officers, the judge and other court staff — in itself was an experience that I wish I could forget.
To my knowledge, he has never taken responsibility for his actions, and he showed nothing but contempt in court when the he was questioned. His lack of remorse and his unwillingness to admit what he did has only added to the trauma and horror he inflicted upon me that day.
It has made me lose a lot of my faith in humanity, and men in particular.
His unwillingness to take responsibility forced me to relive his actions again and again — from precognition hearings through to giving evidence in court. I wrestled with feelings of self-blame for a long time.
I strongly believe that if he is released he will try to harm me again. After raping and assaulting me, he threatened to kill me if I tried to escape. When I fled the scene of the crime, he tried to force his way into my sister’s flat with the aid of a friend. I can only assume in an attempt to silence or harm me further. After he was arrested, I was threatened and assaulted by his associates. I believe that I — and other women — will be in imminent danger as he is a callous, violent, depraved man who has proven throughout his life to have no regard for others, society or the law.
He is a ‘career criminal’ in his 40s; realistically, I do not believe that this time in prison will have changed him any more than any other period of incarceration. He will return to what he knows: violence. And again, I staunchly believe that I will be an immediate target of this violence.
If he is considered for release I ask that you please impose strict restrictions which prevent him from approaching — or even being in the same vicinity — as myself, my family and my friends. I would also recommend that he is prevented from being around other young women.
Thank you.