QUOTES of the week

‘I’ll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay.’

Zelda Williams after her comic actor father Robin committed suicide last week aged 63. ‘Do you think God gets stoned? I think so. Look at the platypus.’

Robin Williams in one of his best-known jokes. ‘Apart from my own name, the Transpennine Express is the greatest misnomer of all time.’

Ex-Transport Minister Lord Adonis isn’t impressed by the rail service. ‘I have a fiance who would put a gun to my head if I touched my face in any way.’ Actress

Jennifer Aniston says she will not resort to plastic surgery in an effort to look younger. ‘I am not a sexist. That is why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they make the same money.’

Comedian Al Murray during a stand-up routine. ‘Take comfort from the fact that I got a C and two Us. And I have a Mercedes Benz.’

Jeremy Clarkson consoles disappointed A-level students. ‘A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.’

Bernard Kerrison, of London, in a letter to The Telegraph. ‘They’ll be disguised as tea shops. You’ll take Auntie Doris there and drop her off and she will say, “See you next Tuesday,” and you will say, “Well… possibly.”’

Jeremy Paxman jokes that he plans to set up Dignitas clinics on the high street.

‘Number one got George Clooney. Number two got breast cancer.’

Marianne Butler, runner-up to the actor’s fiancee in a poll of hot barristers, shows the humour that helped her face the disease. ‘I can’t help but wonder if I had been called Natalie from Surrey whether the authorities would have pressed terrorism charges against me.’

Nawal Msaad, cleared last week of funding terror.