QUOTES of the week
‘If my good friend says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch.’
Pope Francis enters the debate following the Charlie Hebdo attack, saying religion should not be mocked and that ‘provocateurs’ who do can expect a ‘punch’. ‘In Britain, there are cities like Birmingham that are totally Muslim where non-Muslims simply don’t go.’
Steven Emerson, a supposed ‘terrorism expert’, during a Fox News debate in the US after the Paris attacks. ‘Radical Islam also taking hold in Scottish Highlands and islands, under influence of spiritual leader Mullah Kintyre.’
Joker follows up Emerson’s gaffe on the Twitter feed of the Fox News channel. ‘Other parties offer the moon on a stick. We’ll do better than that: a British moon on a British stick.’
Comedian Al Murray announces he will stand in his guise as The Pub Landlord against Nigel Farage in the Thanet South seat at the Election. ‘It’s embarrassing at the best of times, but when someone at school says their father fancies your mum, that’s weird.’
Barnaby Southcombe, son of the actress Charlotte Rampling – known for her raunchy roles in the 60s and 70s – recalls his schooldays. ‘Ever since I turned 50, reading has become horribly similar to filling the bath with the plug out.’
House actor Hugh Laurie bemoans his failing memory.
‘I definitely fell in love with him. He was gorgeous and sweet. I mean, he was Brad Pitt.’
Actress Gwyneth Paltrow who dated the young star for three years after the pair appeared together in the film Seven in 1995.
‘I’m saving up for a little flat.’
Beggar Damien Preston-Booth, who waits outside London’s upmarket restaurants to ask celebrities for money – using his own chip-and-PIN machine if they don’t have the cash. ‘The movie industry is like the Rocky Mountains – the higher you get, the whiter it gets.’
US civil rights activist Rev Al Sharpton criticises the Oscars because all of the nominees in the four acting categories are white. ‘If you are eating an apple and there is no one to see you eating the apple, is there any point in eating the apple?’
Comedienne Sarah Millican waxes philosophical about resolutions to eat more healthily.