Give us a real kitchen hero

typically smug war on sugar last week (the GBBO theme was also sugar-free cake, though why maple syrup and honey are deemed superior to good old Tate & Lyle I have no idea; and by the way, dairy-free ice cream should not contain eggs).

But do we EVER see Jamie washing up? Or struggling home from Tesco with carrier bag fingers? Or washing that T-towel he uses to mop up mess with? Does he heck.

I also cannot stand women who bake cakes and, more specifically, I cannot stand women who bake cupcakes: individual grenades of female passive aggressiveness made by the type of person who thinks wearing something floral by Cath Kidston renders her likeable, and lobbed at career women in the hope it will stain our Jil Sander, like a wayward pigeon.

Women who bake are not nurturers, they are controllers. They want to sit you down and make you fat. They want endless, endless praise. Do you really like it? I’m not sure I got the icing quite right. It’s a cake! You follow a recipe and then stick it in the oven!

Why not just go to Ottolenghi and buy a slice of carrot cake!

I’m quite fussy about bread, though. If I had an oven and if only I had the time and the upper-body strength, I would learn to make my own. I did, once, find a bread I liked: made by former servicemen with psychiatric problems, based up here in North Yorkshire. Veterans’ Artisan Bread was delicious, but, unfortunately, the servicemen proved (haha!) unreliable.

I wish they had enlisted one of these former (real) heroes on to GBBO.

Now there would be a real back-story.