QUOTES of the week

‘Don’t hit me!’ Paul Merton jokingly cowers from Jeremy Clarkson as the ex-Top Gearty star–sacked for punching a producer–returns to TV as thehost of Have Got News For You.

‘If they ever got anywhere near‘ electing him and him being the Prime Minister, we should all move to China and let this place just Former Labour supporter Lord Sugar launches a stinging attack on new party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

‘‘Somehow this has become routine.The reporting is routine, my response ends up being routine, the conversation in the aftermath of it – we have become numb to this.’ Barack Obama condemns the US reaction to gun massacres (and the demands for fewer man shoots dead people college Oregon.

‘It is an inconvenient truth that the only world leader who‘ has the right idea about’ IS is the ghastly Putin. He wants an international force to crush the barbarians. Bang on, Vladimir!’ Former Tory MP Ann Widdecombe, in the week that Russia launched its first air strikes in Syria.

‘He might be 50, darlings, but so am I. His age is no excuse for his dreadful dad dancing.’ Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood predicts a quick exit from the show for Jeremy Vine.

We wouldn’t want our readers to get sucked into its vortex. It’s safer to steer clear.’ Tatler magazine’s Matthew Bell urgeshigh-society set attracted to the delights of Wiltshire to avoid the town of Swindon.

It seems like Blatter is to be served on a platter with burger and Coke.’ Football pundit Gary Lineker as sponsors Coca-Cola and McDonald’s demand the immediate resignation of Fifa boss Sepp Blatter.

‘I remember being asked at Oxford if I had read the Xerox and thinking they meant a Greek writer, when they were referring to a photocopy that I had been sent.’ Actress Katherine Parkinson confesses that she can be a bit scatty.

‘I’d sooner have another baby.’ Bake Off star Nadiya Hussain, a mother of three, on the stress of having to make a chocolate soufflé in last week’s semi-final.