...but HOW did he beat brilliant Beau?
SERIOUSLY, viewers? I mean, seriously? You must all be hard of hearing, because anyone who couldn’t see that Beau Dermott was easily the greatest talent on that stage – and possibly the best contestant in the show’s history – doesn’t deserve a vote. How could anyone have put Richard Jones in first place over her, in fifth? His patriotic magic act, which took as its theme, ‘Proud To Be British’, came complete with veteran Fergus Anckorn. But sweet and imaginative as it was, Richard’s trick did not live up to the glitz of the presentation.
Patriotism was the order of the night from the start: Katherine Jenkins singing Rule Britannia, followed by Land Of Hope And Glory. I know the winner gets a slot in the Royal Variety Performance, but this felt more like a pro-Brexit rally.
A Union Jack then adorned a chair on stage with dancer Balance Unity, who bizarrely opened the show with a routine that referenced Simon’s bete noire, BBC1’s Strictly Come Dancing. And then Mastermind – another BBC show. Talk about an own goal from ITV. Two-nil, actually.
Gospel music has never been my thing, because once you’ve heard one gospel singer, you’ve heard them all. When you’ve heard 100 of them, you’ve definitely heard them all – and then some.
So while The 100 Voices Of Gospel brought to mind Psalm 100, which says, ‘Make a joyful noise unto the
Lord’, one could only ask: ‘Yes, but this loud?’
Sword-swallowing and potential death by chainsaw wasn’t grabbing me either, but I was in agreement with Alex ‘Danger’ Magal when he said: ‘Anything that makes my heart beat faster makes me feel alive.’ Me, too, Alex – especially when you took your top off. Judge David Walliams concurred. ‘If you think Alex is fit for royalty...’ said Dec. Oh, yes. He’s fit all right.
Shannon and Peter, the judges’ wild card, purported to tell their whole romantic story in one dance. I suspect my romantic history has been somewhat different, because I couldn’t see date night with three pints of Stella and a packet of crisps in one movement.
Craig Ball’s cartoon voices and childhood characters were also mostly lost on me – not only had I never heard half of them, the ones I recognised I would not have known, had there not been accompanying graphics. Even without the slip-up, he was never going to be a contender.
The annual dog act, Trip Hazard, had been voted through as the public’s wild card. The public will always go for a dog, and Trip is extra cute. But I’m a bit dogged out now. As Trip came seventh, maybe the audience is, too.
Simon’s Golden Buzzer, Boogie Storm, are strange. A cross between Top Gear’s Stig and Doctor Who’s Daleks, they are creepy, but then I have an aversion to anything with its face covered (which reminds me – lose the beards, Simon and Ant). They would doubtless do well in a gay club, albeit a gay club in outer space.
The nerves were very much in evidence in most of the acts, especially mother-and-son singing act Mel and Jamie. Parents and kids singing love songs to each other makes me feel a bit queasy anyway, but they were in a different league from all the other singers – the fourth division, to be precise (unsurprisingly, they came last). Even Wayne Woodward, who had been tipped to win (but was runner-up), hit some dodgy notes in what was just an OK performance that one could hear on any cruise ship on a daily basis. It wasn’t the best finale to the show.
Celebrating the ten-year anniversary, it was inevitable the show was going to be a bit of a love-fest.
And apart from Amanda throwing water at David (I really wish judges would not do this – does Simon make it part of their contract?), it was a jolly affair. The performance bringing together previous successful winners was spectacular, proving once again that not only does Britain have talent; some even manage to go on to make a living from it.