QUOTES of the week

‘Breakdown can now commence.’ Tannoy announcement shortly after Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s speech at his party’s conference. ‘Give me $1 or I will vote for Trump.’ Sign displayed by an inventive beggar in New York. ‘He had all the human frailties. He enjoyed a drink or three, liked the shape of a well-turned ankle, and didn’t tell everyone he lived on a handful of nuts.’ Commentator Peter Alliss pays tribute to golf’s first superstar, Arnold Palmer, who died last week aged 87. ‘There’s only so many times you can sing Rock On and Hold Me Close.’ Seventies heart-throb David Essex, now aged 69, announces that his touring days are over.

‘I thought, “Christ, this is for me! Not only Shakespeare but swearing.” ’ Judi Dench, who decided on an acting career after watching her brother say ‘What bloody man is that’ in Macbeth.

‘I guess good karma pays off.’ New Zealander who allowed another customer to push in front of him when buying a lottery ticket – and then won more than £560,000. ‘If I were a German politician I would be worried that, without Britain, Germany has the potential to become the greatest ATM in global history.’ Brexit Minister Liam Fox warns Berlin that it could end up paying for the rest of Europe if the EU implodes. ‘We’re having a standoff but it’s a funny one – we’re not putting in each other’s windows or trying to kill each other.’ Former Oasis star Liam Gallagher, whose rift with brother Noel has still not healed. ‘We cannot have sex on Sooty.’ BBC governor reacts with horror to the idea of allowing the television puppet to have an onscreen girlfriend, Soo, in the 1960s.