You won’t BELIEVE what they tell me!

I was sent to a crammer in Brighton which guaranteed you A-levels. I’m not at all proud of having broken that record. But it wasn’t my fault. It was the height of the miniskirt era. Concentration was not possible. Explorer Ranulph Fiennes comes up with a very plausible excuse for fluffing his exams.

I was asked ten years ago to play the role, but I wasn’t right then because I wasn’t jaded enough. I wasn’t like ‘Everything is s**t’. Now I am. Actor Dominic Cooper proudly explains why he’s now able to do justice to the rakish lead role in The Libertine, just opened on the London stage. There’s progress for you.

I get parents dragging their kids up to me saying, ‘Look who it is’ – and they say, ‘Tell me who you are.’ I tell them I play Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter films and they go, ‘Can you do the voice?’ I say, ‘No, I’m in Sainsbury’s!’ Even doing the weekly shop can be something of a trial, actor Jason Isaacs, right, tells me when we meet at the FilmAid quiz.

I will date again soon but there is no point dating someone in December because it’s awkward. You have to buy them presents. Olympic gymnast and Strictly Come Dancing winner Louis Smith explains, at the launch of Project M’s game, Dig That Gold, his less-than-generous approach to dating. Who said romance was dead?

I was given the Freedom of Dudley. I think it means I can go into people’s houses and eat their food… and sleep with the mayor’s wife. I really hope Sir Lenny Henry never tries to exercise his ‘rights’. Things could get very messy, very quickly.