Oh, to be a fly on the wall at Rangers
MARK WARBURTON, the Rangers manager, and Joey Barton have gathered in the wake of the errant midfielder’s suspension to discuss his future.
Both men are sitting down for Health and Safety reasons as, after all, the tallest trees catch the most wind.
MW: ‘You’ve been in Qatar, I hear.’
JB: ‘Yeah, Warbs. Just decided to get away from it all for a bit, given everything.’
MW: ‘Why Qatar? Good facilities? Optimum training conditions to get your loading right? JB: ‘No bookies.’
MW: ‘Yes, I’ve been thinking about this thing with the bookies. You know me. Always focusing on the positives. I mean, 44 bets and you never once attempted to make money out of gambling against this Rangers team. That tells me you really can be capable of great restraint.’
JB: ‘Yeah, but Aberdeen at Pittodrie tipped me over the edge, knowing they were 7/4 at home before the off and I hadn’t had a nibble. Had to get out of the country for a bit after that. Anyway, I hear you got into a bit of bother yourself. Ranting and raving in someone’s face over something that happened in a game. Using inappropriate language.’ MW: ‘Mmmm…’ JB: ‘Four-week suspension for that, was it?’
MW: ‘One game. Respectfully accepted. Anyway, it’s how you’ve been re-evaluating your way of thinking that we’re here to talk about. Feel you’ve used your time away productively?’
JB: ‘Definitely. Kept myself to just one appearance on talkSPORT, called Bubba Watson a d***head on Twitter and did some interviews to plug the autobiography.’
MW: ‘I read them. I thought it was hugely disrespectful what you said.’
JB: ‘What? The stuff about Scottish football being c**p, the other players being hopeless and not coming to Rangers if I could take the decision again?’
MW: ‘No, that we got pumped by Celtic. Pumped, you said. There was no major gulf. Joe Garner showed his aerial competitiveness. Kenny Miller was tireless. Wes Foderingham’s distribution was impeccable.’
JB: ‘He let in five goals. You had me stumbling around like a drunk in a Force Nine gale at centre-half by the end of it.’
MW: ‘Look, let’s not go down that road again. That’s how all this started. I can pick up that phone and get Andy Halliday in here in a minute, you know.’
JB: ‘I am the way I am, Warbs. I say it as I see it. It was hardly a secret before you signed me. The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often and sometimes frightened, but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.’
MW: ‘Eh?’ JB: ‘Nietzsche.’
MW: ‘It’s all this stuff about having nothing to apologise for that gets me. All this stuff about how apologising doesn’t mean you were wrong. It’s a sad, sad situation. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.’ JB: ‘Wittgenstein?’
MW: ‘Elton John.’ JB: ‘Football is my art form, Warbs. Until now, I’ve been living in a world of Rembrandts, Monets, Caravaggios. This up here is like watching my four-year-old draw his first parrot with a crayon. I know I went a bit far, but I just care too much. I can make these lads the modern-day Glasgow Boys, stage my own private Renaissance period, if you’ll all just listen.’
MW: ‘But we are creating something beautiful here. The public can see it. Someone even said to me in the street recently that my philosophy reminded him of a load of Jackson Pollocks.’
JB: ‘That’s Glasgow rhyming slang, Warbs. We drew at home to Ross County. We’re fifth in the league.’
MW: ‘We are dominating the football, though.’
JB: ‘Anyway, am I getting sacked or not? I need to know if it’s time to get on to the boys at talkSPORT. You know yourself how good they are at helping you land a new job when things have gone a bit Pete Tong at your old place of work.’
MW: ‘I’m meeting the directors in a bit. Let’s break for coffee and I’ll call you back in. Just don’t be coming out of this meeting and going straight on the radio, saying that the way I am handling things is strange. And don’t call me ‘Warbs’ in public.’
JB: ‘You think that was a step too far last time?’
MW: ‘No. It’s just that I’m lined up to be on the lunchtime programme today.’
JB: ‘Fair enough. Look, whatever happens, I view it as a privilege being here. I will learn from the experience. I am sure we can work this out as men and I am positive, absolutely positive, that I am going to find myself holding a trophy aloft this season.’
MW: ‘That’s more like it. That’s the kind of belief and desire I saw in Niko Kranjcar’s eyes when he had that dinner in New York. You really think I can pull all this back together? You really think I can lead us all the way to the Premiership title?’
JB: ‘No, I’m told I’m bookies’ favourite for the Sports Book of the Year award. I’ve left you and the lads a few signed copies in the foyer.’