These crude, crass cards are killing the spirit of Christmas

THIS year I’ve had so few – six, including one from the paperboy – that the jolly cartoon from Duck Plumbing that arrives like clockwork in late November is still in pride of place on my mantelpiece. It’s not just me. Everyone’s remarking that Christmas cards are thinner on the ground. Is another great British tradition fast biting the dust? Boo hoo!

We’re all communicating electronically… there are snaking queues at the nation’s few remaining post offices… nobody knows anyone’s actual address as opposed to their email… or even how to hold a pen any more.

Indeed, why would anyone buy cards and send them – or Theresa and Philip May make such a ritual of choosing a home-made No10 Downing Street offering (saying ‘Santa Clause is coming’) drawn by a child in her constituency, when you can just ping off a maddening jingle-bells e-card for free?

Well, because they’re important, that’s why, especially at this, the darkest time of this dark year.

They represent a precious relic of a simpler, less rushed time, when the sight of someone’s handwriting on an envelope could make your heart jump. When we all used snail mail, not broadband, and when the annual sending and receiving of the Christmas card was like a beating pulse of friendship: that flutter through the letterbox told you that someone, somewhere, thought you were worth still sending a card to.

EACH card represents a positive human contact, a point of light, even if they celebrate the senders’ own status, success and great genes rather than the magical birth of God’s only son. In fact, I am in silent mourning for the fact that my age group (let’s say 45 to 55) are now too old to send ‘boastcards’ with our own progeny placed full frontal, as people would laugh and point (if you have grown children, it’s a bit Addams Family) but I rather miss seeing family photos, and reading those vainglorious ‘round robins’ – potted summaries of the strings of A stars and achievements over the past 12 months.

I am treasuring the jumbo card I’ve received this year showcasing a friend’s litter of 13 grandchildren on the cover and 11 dogs (known as the ‘grand-dogs’) on the inside.

Lots of reason for the seasonal dearth of cards, then – but here’s another, and perhaps the biggest. I popped into a card shop in Devizes, to stock up on some Nativity scenes to send to my 19 (yup) extant exnannies, au pairs, mannies, and mothers’ helps.

I found vulgar drunken Santas roaring ProsecHO HO HO! I found polar bears, elves, penguins, robins, Rudolfs, mince ‘spies’, dachshunds – almost everything but tiny baby Jesus lying in his manger.

When I huffed about it, the lady behind the counter shrugged. She didn’t stock Nativity scenes ‘because we don’t want to offend the customers’.

Offend? OFFEND? Hold on! At a high street card chain in London, I found cards with an old woman and a parcel with the caption ‘I’m so excited it’s Christmas a little bit of wee came out’; one with a woman posing on a bed, ‘I’m so good Santa came twice’; Santa in a car with the caption ‘Santa’s on his way to your house because he needs one more Ho’; and many more unsuitable for description in a family Sunday newspaper.

Not one starlit scene of wonder from the greatest story ever told.

If these are the depths Christmas is coming to, no wonder most people aren’t bothering.

Politicians, like our Royals, are still expected to send out personalised Christmas cards as part of public service, knowing their choices will be minutely scrutinised, and long may this enjoyable custom continue.

Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall’s this year depicts the rugged-up couple beaming amid a merry folkloric group in coinfestooned and fringed costumes. It made me warm to them. It wasn’t holy, but it was at least happy.

GEORGE Osborne, the former Chancellor, has admitted that one of the things he won’t miss about No11 is… sending out 2,056 Christmas cards every year to ‘recipients’ including 87 FTSE chief executives, 209 foreign dignitaries, six EU commissioners and one Shadow Chancellor. He is well placed, therefore, to suggest a Conservative way forward for us all.

‘Only send cards to people you actually know,’ he advises. ‘Give the money you save to a good charity and use your time more productively to, for example, run the country.’

Thank you for this original and capital idea, George!

So this is my Christmas message. Take me off your Christmas card list, by all means. In fact, you already have. But think of all the people, the friends, not ‘recipients’, who would love to get a lovely traditional one, not a high street shocker, especially if they are 1 Old. 2 Sad. 3 On their own.

Let not auld acquaintance be forgot (still ten posting days left to go!).