That’s entertainment
It’s time to celebrate another year of Scottish football’s bonkers brilliance
FAREWELL, sweet princes, keepers of dreams. It seems but a heartbeat ago that we embarked upon this latest, glorious campaign and remains hard to countenance that, with just one last hurrah remaining in the Superseal Stadium this afternoon, it will soon be time for the gladiators of the domestic game to take down the Big Top and leave us to our own devices for a while.
No one can say it has not been entertaining. Or typically bonkers. In one last celebration of what makes Scottish football its own unique little world of wonder, please indulge us as we present the unofficial end-of-season awards.
MOST ALARMING TRIP INTO A PARALLEL DIMENSION
TIME spent in a confined space listening to Hearts manager Ian Cathro can be a little trippy, for sure. The words kind of make sense, but they don’t always seem to be in quite the right order and the wee bloke from Dundee delivering them is dropping in and out of pidgin English or something.
The room is busy. People are pushing and jostling. Did somebody spike my tea? What’s he saying about Hearts being as good as Celtic if you take away the goalposts? I’m dizzy. I think I’m going to fall over.
All that bears little comparison, though, to one press conference held by Graeme Murty after he did fall over during a 2-1 loss to Dundee in February. Propelled into the hot seat at Ibrox after Mark Warburton was politely informed he had resigned, Murty is going through agonies on the touchline as Harry Forrester misses a sitter with the away team 2-1 down.
Camera cuts to the technical area. And there’s yer man, the Rangers manager, doing a handstand, wee legs wiggling in the air like an upturned ladybird who can’t get back on an even keel.
You know you are right down the rabbithole, though, when you pitch up at Auchenhowie a day or so later to discover Murty, surrounded by an engrossed gaggle of journalists, waxing lyrical about the technique behind his acrobatics. ‘That was kind of a visual representation of how I was feeling,’ he said. ‘It normally comes back up into a perfect handstand, but, about halfway up, I thought: “What am I doing?”.’
Next up, Brendan Rodgers explains how to balance a ten-bob bit on the end of your nose while downing a pint of Guinness and doing the Riverdance during the second half of a Champions League game.
BARNEY OF THE YEAR
GREAT late charge by Pedro Caixinha, a man adapting commendably to life in the madhouse, in sparking off a slanging match with Aberdeen boss Derek McInnes, extending the olive branch by inviting him into his office for some wine — and then claiming on the telly that he’s jealous of him.
The grand pantomime holds such promise with the Portuguese now on the cast list, but he will surely accept he did not quite do enough to snatch the prize from Jim Duffy and Neil Lennon.
Their set-to at the end of a goalless draw at Easter Road, whilst not containing the explicit violence of St Johnstone’s Richard Foster and Danny Swanson laying into each other, contained so much of what other leagues simply cannot offer.
Contained within a mass brawl on the touchline involving almost everyone employed by Hibs and Morton, their verbals spilled over into a drawn-out week (or more) of press coverage with Lennon pleading innocence, raging at journalists and insisting he was only speaking ‘euphemistically’ when accusing Duffy of offering him a ‘square-go’.
In a written statement, undisputed winner of our Press Release of the Year award, Duffy stated: ‘I categorically, 100 per cent, did not ask for a ‘square go’ or use anything even remotely like that term. Yes, I acted immaturely, but I’m not 12 years old.’
You don’t get this in your La Liga.
THE ROD PETRIE QUAICH FOR SCOTTISH CUP EXUBERANCE
OKAY, it wasn’t quite the Full Monty of invading the pitch, attacking the opposition and goading rival supporters into a fight on cup final day that last term delivered, but who did not enjoy Rod Stewart’s own brand of high-jinks when making the draw for the fifth round of the tournament at Cliftonhill?
Wearing a leopardskin scarf you would expect to find in the back of your granny’s wardrobe, it does not seem unreasonable to suggest he may also have demolished a fair amount of the brandy and Babycham that also resides there.
The face of SFA president Alan McRae was a study in itself as the three minutes of beautiful, hilarious horror unfolded — veering from amusement to disgust to fear of what might happen next and back again. Rather the way you might look should a man in a clown’s outfit sit next to you on the bus, give you a balloon, smoke half-abag of Spice and start showing you his collection of Rambo knives.
McRae’s own performance was topped off by the attempt to bring the awfulness of it all to an end with a handshake — and being completely ignored.
BEST SHORT FILM
ONLY just pipping Rangers striker Martyn Waghorn pursuing a schoolboy on his lunchbreak through the streets to be told, through mouthfuls of roll and chips, that he’s ‘s***e’ and the ill-fated Mark McGhee going off the deep end at Pittodrie and telling some punter with a cameraphone to ‘get that tae f***’ is ‘The Cum Dog’.
As no doubt happens every other day in the staff canteen at Milanello and Carrington, £2m-rated Jason Cummings enters in his underpants with a bandage around his head, a sock on his left arm and ‘Cum Dog’ scrawled on his chest and jumps off a table to bodyslam a professional wrestler as his manager and team-mates clap along to Madonna’s Like A Prayer.
Finally, after all these years, a production to rival Andy Considine raiding his wife’s underwear drawer and tottering around in his heels to Yes, Sir, I Can Boogie.
THE LADY MICHELLE MONE GOLD-PLATED TOILET ROLL HOLDER FOR HUMILITY AND SELF-AWARENESS
BANNED from Rangers in the wake of that 5-1 battering at Parkhead, after responding to a request for opinions from Warburton by giving his opinion, a round of interviews staged by Joey Barton to promote his autobiography landed in the media with all the subtlety of a sumo wrestler sitting on your head.
We could run those photos of him posing with a skull and staring into what looked like a shiny drinks tray. We could offer some smartassed commentary. Nothing, though, paints the picture quite like Joey’s words themselves.
‘The tallest trees catch the most wind. That comes with the territory of being me.’
‘Football is my art form and I’ve gone: “OK. This is not the worst painting I’ve ever done. It’s not vintage, but it’s not the worst”.’
‘I’ve got people who I don’t think have seen any decent art in I don’t know however many years critiquing me.’
‘I had to hit the ground playing like Lionel Messi to stand any chance.’ Staggering. Even now. Simply staggering.
THE FAMILY-SIZED BOX OF QUALITY STREET FOR MAN MOST IN NEED OF A CUDDLE
CHANCES are you have not seen Karleigh Osborne play for Kilmarnock. He has only featured twice since arriving in that freight container full of footballers smuggled north by Lee Clark.
His debut saw him concede a last-gasp penalty at home to Hamilton. His last known sighting at Rugby Park a week later was even less forgiving. With an early mistake and a rapidfire booking putting the crowd on his back, he was culpable for Ross County’s first two goals in a 3-2 win and then ended up poleaxed after a clash of heads with Ryan Dow. As he lay motionless under the concerned watch of the physio and a hush descended upon the ground, a primal scream pierced the air.
‘Don’t soldier on,’ yelled a home fan. ‘Get him aff, Clark,’ roared another. It went on like that for some time. When the board went up to signal his substitution after half-an-hour, the Killie fans cheered the way they did when Willie Waddell’s lads won the league in 1965.
BEST RED CARD
THE in-play tweet sent out on Shotts Bon Accord’s official page said it all. ‘Shettleston goalkeeper Gary Whyte sent off after 72 minutes for having a pee behind the goals.’
‘The ref asked: “What are you doing?”. I said: “I needed to, I was bursting”,’ recalled Whyte. ‘I thought he would see the funny side.’
For reasons never adequately explained, former SFA referees’ chief Bob Valentine got involved in the aftermath as well. ‘In my opinion, it should have been a yellow, at most, for ungentlemanly conduct,’ he remarked.
‘Good job he didn’t do a “Gary Whyte”,’ said someone else.
THE GAUTAMA BUDDHA WIND CHIMES FOR PROMOTING PEACE ON EARTH
‘LUIS SUAREZ is one of the most beautiful men you could come across,’ said Brendan Rodgers shortly before the Uruguayan helped Barcelona wallop Celtic 7-0 in the Nou Camp. That’s the Brodge, though. All kisses for Leigh Griffiths, breaking bread with Rangers fans when stuck in traffic and, now, turning his attention to healing the Old Firm divide. ‘I would hope I could promote a new rivalry,’ he said. ‘Titles and all of that are great, but what else can I do and influence?’ Communal singing led by Brendan and the lighting of the peace candle will take place every Thursday at 7.30pm in the Louden Tavern, Ibrox. All welcome. Bring your own joss sticks.