You won’t BELIEVE what they tell me!

You don’t look at slugs normally but slugs are fascinating. Don’t you think slugs are wonderful? Of course you do. Sir David Attenborough tries to persuade me to swap celeb-spotting for slug-watching. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think, “Mmm, not bad.” I can find anything beautiful. Mario Testino photographs the most beautiful women in the world but he can find beauty in his own reflection too. Spencer wanted me to move into his flat but I couldn’t live there. Model Vogue

Williams, right, tells me at a Moet brunch party at Madison’s that she is moving in with Pippa Middleton’s brother-in-law Spencer Matthews, though she won’t go near the flat where he claims to have bedded 1,000 women. My son is a gorgeous boy and he is the most feminist person I know. Sandi Toksvig assures me she is a proud parent to a raging feminist. Eccentricity isn’t something that you can cultivate, so it is a pseudo affectation. So we’re not trying to cultivate it with the kids. Ceawlin Thynn, Viscount Weymouth, says he doesn’t think his children will be as unusual as his father, the Marquess of Bath, who is famous for his wifelets. Louis has a cosmetic doctor on 24-hour standby. That didn’t happen 14 years ago. Simon Cowell fears Louis Walsh’s vanity is getting out of control Of course I’m aware that people call me a bit of an idiot or a clever dick. But most people don’t know I feel quite inadequate about very many things. Jeremy Paxman shows a rare moment of sensitivity.