Theresa signs for Strictly!*
*It’s Piers ‘Mystic’ Morgan’s 2018 predictions
HE TOLD us Harry and Meghan would marry. He defied almost all the pundits to predict Donald Trump’s triumph. There’s barely a celebrity he doesn’t know, as readers of his weekly diary in The Mail on Sunday’s Event magazine will testify. So who better to give us his (thoroughly mischievous) forecasts for 2018 than our very own ‘Mystic’ Morgan?
JANUARY
The year starts with a bang at the Golden Globes in Hollywood as actress after actress launches impassioned attacks on Donald Trump from the awards podium.
‘It’s absolutely sickening in the current climate that we still have a sexual predator in the White House,’ rages Meryl Streep.
‘No woman is safe with that man in charge,’ agrees Kate Winslet.
The pair then announce they are to co-star in a biopic movie about the ‘much misunderstood’ Harvey Weinstein produced by ‘that adorable man’ Woody Allen and directed by ‘cruelly mistreated’ Roman Polanski.
Trump responds to the protests by announcing an ‘immediate and total shutdown on all liberal celebrities from entering or residing in the United States’.
He explains: ‘These luvvies’ incessant hysterical and hypocritical whining about me represents a clear and present threat to the eardrums of ordinary American people.’
In Britain, Theresa May is urged to sack Boris Johnson after he is caught viewing what is described as ‘X-rated material’ in the Cabinet Room – during an actual Cabinet meeting. Police leaks later confirm it was a video of Boris himself and a 6ft Texan blonde sex robot named Madison. ‘It was all completely above board,’ he insists. ‘We were just having a discussion about my artificial intelligence.’ He survives.
Bitcoin soars to a value of £20,000, despite nobody having a clue what it actually is or how it works.
FEBRUARY
At the Winter Olympics in South Korea, North Korea’s downhill ski-jumper entrant loses control and careers off at right angles into a large wall. ‘The Supreme Leader said he wanted me to be as successful as one of our missile tests, and I was,’ he says proudly from his hospital bed.
President Trump’s flying two-day visit to Britain is met with the biggest protest march the country has ever seen. One protester, who, like the two million others on the march, didn’t protest against previous state visits by Vladimir Putin, Bashar al-Assad and Robert Mugabe, explains: ‘Trump is far worse than that lot – he’s got an orange face for starters, and have you seen the way he tweets? It’s worse then genocide.’
England, having lost the Ashes, bring back bad boy Ben Stokes for the one-day Tri Series in New Zealand, after police clear him over his infamous nightclub street brawl. ‘I’m a changed man,’ says Stokes, who then proceeds to head-butt four of the Aussie team in an on-pitch fracas during his first match. ‘Nothing to see here,’ chortles Sir Ian Botham, who is commentating at the time. ‘It’s not a criminal offence to punish convicts.’ Fifty Shades Freed, the conclusion of the sex-charged movie trilogy, is released and instantly branded the worst film ever made, which comes as a huge shock to anyone who watched Fifty Shades Of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker. MARCH At the Oscars, in a dramatic escalation of the #metoo campaign, all men are banned and every winner is a woman, even in the male-only categories. But Angelina Jolie throws a sensational spanner in the sisterhood works when she wins Best Actress and suddenly declares: ‘I’m now identifying as non-binary, gender neutral so cannot accept this award. In fact, I am deeply offended you have even given it me.’
Vladimir Putin is re-elected as Russia’s President for a fourth term, with a 97 per cent majority. The three per cent are swiftly rounded up and taken to Siberian gulags. Hillary Clinton takes to Twitter to vent her wrath: ‘The Russians colluded with Trump to fix their own election! It’s so unfair, I should be Russian President!’ When asked why, given that she’s American, she snaps: ‘Because I’m a woman! Duh.’
APRIL
The Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to a baby boy and, taking a leaf from the Beckham book of geographic conception monikers, she and Prince William announce his name is Balmoral Barn. ‘It was that very rare occasion of a hot summer night in Scotland, let’s just leave it there,’ the heir to the throne explains with a Terry-Thomas wink.
Tiger Woods wins the Masters in a sensational comeback to the
top of world golf. ‘Form is temporary, class is permanent,’ he exclaims, before boarding a private plane to Las Vegas for a two-day celebration with 20 heavily tattooed strippers.
Donald Trump is suspended from Twitter after declaring war on North Korea, but then announcing it was an April Fool. ‘Everyone’s so politically correct these days they’ve forgotten how to enjoy a good joke,’ he says, as Seoul fends off a fusillade of 1,000 rockets from across the border.
In bombshell political news back home, Theresa May accuses EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker of behaving ‘inappropriately’ at the end of a long trade negotiation lunch in Brussels. ‘He said if Brexit ends with no deal, he’s going to screw everyone in Britain,’ she says. Juncker blames translation issues for a ‘terrible misunderstanding’.
He says: ‘I told the Prime Minister that if there’s no deal, everyone in Britain would be screwed.’
MAY
Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in a lavish wedding at St George’s Chapel, Windsor, watched around the world by 1.5billion people.
When the officiating minister, the Archbishop of Canterbury, asks if anyone knows any reason why the couple should not legally wed, Meghan’s first husband Trevor Engelson abseils through the roof of St George’s Chapel and shouts: ‘I do – we’re not actually divorced!’
Harry decks him with a right hook and the ceremony continues. It later transpires that Meghan is divorced and Trevor carried out the stunt for a new US reality TV show called Bitter Ex-Spouses Of Royal Brides.
Manchester City win the Premier League, FA Cup and Champions League. The club’s owner, Abu Dhabi’s Sheikh Mansour, is so thrilled he gives the entire squad a bonus of a million barrels of oil.
Labour clean up in the UK local elections and Jeremy Corbyn announces: ‘I’m ready to lead the country.’ Astonishingly, this statement is taken entirely seriously.
Mars makes its closest approach to Earth since 2003 and is only 46million miles away. A huge campaign is launched to send Britain’s most irritating celebrity there on a one-way ticket. Russell Brand wins, narrowly beating Lily Allen and Hugh Grant. Brand takes it remarkably well, saying: ‘At least I will be with someone I truly love.’ JUNE As the World Cup begins, England manager Gareth Southgate boldly declares: ‘This is a golden generation of English footballers and we’re never going to have a better chance to repeat the glory of Bobby Moore’s 1966 heroes.’ Captain Harry Kane agrees. ‘We’ve got the potential to go all the way.’ England promptly lose all three group matches to Tunisia, Belgium and Panama, Kane’s arrested after a brawl in a Moscow nightclub so goes all the way to jail – and Southgate is sacked. Women in Saudi Arabia are finally allowed to drive, but are ordered by King Salman to wear full burkas behind the wheel, including mesh veils over their eyes. Thousands of them joyfully hit the roads anyway, leading to mass pile-ups in cities all over the country. ‘I told you this policy would be a car crash,’ sighed King Salman. ‘They’ll be wanting the vote next!’ Brexit rows finally tear the Conservative Party apart and Theresa May is dra- matically ousted in a coup led by Chancellor Philip Hammond, arch Remainer and ‘Brexit so soft you’ll barely feel it’ campaigner.
Boris Johnson resigns in fury, quits politics, and sets up Britain’s first sex robot factory in Henleyon-Thames. ‘I’m going to be a very hands-on boss,’ he chortles.
JULY
The Government’s coalition with the DUP collapses in the wake of May’s departure, sparking a General Election. Philip Hammond produces an interminably dull 4,000-page ‘Spreadsheet For Britain’ manifesto that renders the few people who bother to read it comatose. Jeremy Corbyn responds with one single policy: promising every student in Britain a free Bitcoin (now worth £30,000) if they vote for him. ‘Vote Corbyn and Bitcoin it in!’ is his mantra at a series of gigantic rallies around the country. It drives him to a thumping Election victory.
Brazil win the World Cup thanks to a dazzling hat-trick by Neymar to beat Germany 3-0. He becomes the first football billionaire, signing for Real Madrid in a £1.1billion transfer deal from Paris SaintGermain. It’s not about the money,’ he insists. Then he bursts out laughing: ‘Just kidding, of course it’s about the money.’
AUGUST
It rains in Britain for only 28 days this month, causing massive panic. ‘When it’s sunny for three days in August, it’s time to accept that global warming isn’t just real, it’s moved to global meltdown,’ says the new Prime Minister from his luxury caravan in Reading where he was this year’s festival headline act, performing his No1 hit single ‘OOOHHH, JEREMY CORBYN!’ to mass hysteria.
Tony Blair is also on the bill, singing a cover version of Beyoncé’s Beautiful Liar. He is booed off stage after 60 seconds.
SEPTEMBER
A deranged man breaks into New York’s Central Park zoo and shoots dead 146 animals with three legally acquired AR-15 semiautomatic rifles.
‘There is only one way to stop this happening again,’ says NRA president Wayne LaPierre, ‘and that is to arm every animal in every zoo with a gun.’ A poll shows 92 per cent of Americans agree, and photos soon emerge of lions prowling their enclosure with AK-47s strapped to their backs.
Simon Cowell announces he is going to compete in I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! ‘I’ve spent my entire career surrounded by snakes and creepy crawlies, so this holds no fear for me.’ OCTOBER The UK and EU agree a Brexit trade deal that allows us full access to the single market and customs union in exchange for £350million a week, free movement of people and European courts being able to tell us what to do. Prime Minister Corbyn says he’s ‘thrilled’ at delivering the democratic will of the British people. ‘This isn’t bloody Brexit, it’s exactly what we had before!’ rages Nigel Farage. But everyone is now so bored of it all, they neither notice nor care. Susanna Reid finally snaps and attacks me live on Good Morning Britain, pounding me with her fists until I’m rendered a bloodied pulp on the studio floor. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she tells shocked viewers. ‘I’ll get my coat.’ ‘Stay right where you are,’ commands ITV’s new boss Carolyn McCall. ‘The only thing you’re getting is a pay rise.’ NOVEMBER Bitcoin’s value rockets to £100,000 and students up and down the country begin arriving at lectures in Ferraris and Lamborghinis they’ve leveraged on the back of their government gift. The Republicans do much better than expected in the US mid-term elections, thanks to a surging economy. This prompts global terror on a scale that makes even Islamic State pale into insignificance, as liberals face up to the unthinkable: Trump might be re-elected in 2020. He celebrates by leading a chant of ‘SIX MORE YEARS!’ at a rally in Los Angeles, amid reports of mass suicide across the city by dozens of shell-shocked stars. Model Emily Ratajkowski live-streams herself on the internet – under a $50 subscription paywall – having a shower with Kim Kardashian as they both smother each other in ravioli. ‘Emmeline Pankhurst risked her life and liberty precisely so that women like us could frolic naked in pasta and make millions,’ she announces. ‘It’s a massive blow for feminism,’ says Kim, which is entirely true.
DECEMBER
Simon Cowell is the first person to be voted off I’m A Celebrity after point blank refusing to do a challenge unless his butler is flown in to help him.
Bitcoin collapses to be worth less than a penny and everyone who invested in it loses all their money. Hundreds of thousands of furious students march on Downing Street demanding Prime Minister Corbyn either meet their crippling debts or resign. A chastened Corbyn quits, admitting: ‘Bitcoin, like me, seemed like a good idea at the time but turned out to be an utter illusion.’
A reinvigorated Theresa May, partnered by Anton Du Beke, wins Strictly Come Dancing with a stunning ‘Maybot’ performance in the final. ‘You were so strong and stable,’ sighs an admiring Craig Revel Horwood. A euphoric Bruno Tonioli tells her: ‘That was a bloody difficult dance but you’re a bloody difficult woman and you nailed it!’
The Queen, in her Christmas Day speech, announces that Meghan Markle is pregnant with sextuplets.
‘My grandson’s a six maniac,’ quipped Prince Philip outside church at Sandringham, proving that retirement hasn’t curbed his much-beloved propensity for nonPC gaffes.