Confessions of a Mad* MP
As shocking as it is hilarious, this is the brutally honest memoir of a veteran Tory backbencher that’ll rock the Commons... and grip voters with its heady brew of scandal and intrigue
A brilliAnt new book by former tory MP nick de bois lifts the lid on David Cameron’s turbulent time as Prime Minister and the rise of theresa May.
Full of indiscreet anecdotes, it reveals what really goes on behind the scenes at Westminster.
Mr de bois, elected MP for Enfield north in 2010, describes the trials and tribulations of an MP with a marginal seat who lives in constant fear of being turfed out by voters – as he was in 2015. to add insult to injury, his bid to win his seat back last year also flopped.
but as well as scandal and intrigue, Mr de bois shows his soft side and his enduring affection for Parliament.
boris Johnson has called the book a ‘must read’ and former MP and broadcaster Gyles brandreth says: ‘i’ve been there – it’s all true. nick tells it like it is brilliantly.’
HALFWAY through my term, I wondered if I should let the whips know I’d like to be a Minister. It had been playing on my mind – until matters were taken out of my hands. ‘Nick... how are you, dear fellow? We don’t talk enough.’ ‘Very good and it’s good to hear from you. What can I do for you?’
It was another MP, an adviser to Prime Minister David Cameron. He was your genial, friendly uncle. He had been called a ‘dandy’ and paid attention to his wardrobe, a job made harder by the fact that he was not very tall.
What he lacked in stature at the despatch box he made up for in wit and charm. I always felt the urge to grab him by the feet and head, and stretch him out from his snugly fit suit to add a few inches. Irrational, but better than stretching his neck.
‘You’re listed as Question No1 to the PM on Wednesday and this is always a soft ball question,’ he said. ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I guess you’ve seen my note to the PM about my question on Chase Farm Hospital in my constituency and the death of a young boy. I want to raise it with him.’
Some parents had taken their sick little boy to Chase Farm in the mistaken belief there was still an A&E unit there. Tragically, he could not be saved.
‘Nick, this is a tricky one for the PM to respond to as a first question, and we wonder if you could be more helpful. I can fix it for you to see him privately on this issue, another time.’
‘Look, there’s huge public interest. I’m going to ask the question.’
‘Righto. I just thought I’d check with you.’
One hour later, phone call number two. ‘Nick, have you a few minutes to discuss PMQs again?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Have you had time to consider what you’re going to do? I’ve assured the PM we can work something out.’
You probably have, I thought to myself.
‘Well,’ I continued, ‘I don’t think we can work anything out.’ Pause.
‘On another subject, Nick, you came up with a brilliant idea on trade envoys and, as you know, the PM has already made several appointments.’
‘I know. I was mightily p **** d off I was not asked to undertake one of them, given I’d worked up the whole idea for him and presented it in person.’
‘Well, we can do something about that now, I think.’ That struck me as ultra-convenient. ‘This Friday, we’re about to make a second round of appointments, and you are top of the list.’ ‘Great news. Delighted to hear it.’ ‘But, obviously, it could be awkward if you have a difficult exchange with the PM.’
No s***. This really did happen. Bribery, patronage... maybe I should hold out for a Cabinet post. I was taken aback that a routine question to the PM was leading to a covert job offer.
‘Can you clarify what you mean, old chap?’
‘I don’t want you to mistake this conversation. Obviously the two things aren’t linked.’ Amazing. That had never crossed my mind. ‘We can settle this right here and now.’ ‘Wonderful.’ ‘You can offer me the post of Foreign f***ing Secretary, but I’m asking the bloody question.’
And I did. Ask the question, that is, not become Foreign Secretary. David Cameron answered it and agreed to meet with me. The temptation to revisit his adviser’s neck and stretch it was growing. He saw a legitimate question as a threat and, because of that, I never got the chance to be a parliamentary trade envoy, which I’d loved to have done.
The offer of the role turned out to be genuine; the Trade Minister’s PPS came up to me and congratulated me, as she had seen my name at the top the list of next appointments. She was very surprised I was removed for insisting on asking a question deemed unhelpful.
A year later, two days after I lost my seat in 2015, Mr Cameron phoned me to offer his condolences. He said: ‘We’ll help you sort something to keep you busy. Contact the No10 Public Appointments Office.’
If they wanted help in promoting UK exports, I was ready and willing. Judging by what the PM told me, this wouldn’t be a problem. Then, another familiar voice. ‘Nick, what are you up to these days?’ ‘Not a lot, Minister, I’m thinking of writing a book.’ ‘Wonderful, but what a waste to us.’ Crikey, I thought. He gets it. I wonder if he’s going to make up for stopping me being a trade envoy? Yes, it was the same chap.
He grandly instructed his adviser: ‘See what we can do to help this great fellow.’ I never heard from them, of course.
Does patronage work? Of course it does. It is a powerful government tool to keep MPs in line.
I never did become a trade envoy.