QUOTES of the week

‘As much as it was my honour and privilege to hear the survivors, it was my honour and privilege to sentence you… I’ve just signed your death warrant.’

Judge Rosemarie Aquilina sentences US Olympics gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar to 175 years for sexual assaults.

‘His fiery crusade for military budget is worthy of a Monty Python sketch.’

Major General Igor Konashenkov ridicules Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson’s warnings of a Russian attack on the UK.

‘It’s because we have so much in common, I’m a trendy, hot bit of stuff and she SO understands me. Sad dad men.’

Tory MP Nadine Dorries savages love-cheat Ukip leader Henry Bolton with an answer to her own question: ‘Will an ageing, balding dad ever look in the mirror and ask, why is she with me?’

‘I accept your third leg as I know you accept my third hand.’

Oprah Winfrey jokes to actress Reese Witherspoon after they were given extra limbs in a digitally altered Vanity Fair photograph.

‘School is not the place for romantic relationships – ever.’

Toby Belfield, head teacher at £34,000a-year Ruthin School, threatens to expel dating pupils.

‘If it’s me and yer granny on bongos, it’s The Fall.’

The band’s Mark E. Smith,

‘Thank God he didn’t ask for a selfie.’

TV presenter Julia Bradbury, who was ambushed by a nudist asking for her autograph during a walk in the Dorset countryside.

‘Let’s hope she brings her woolly knickers for the East Coast wind.’

Twitter user after learning that Britney Spears will perform at an outdoor arena in Scarborough this summer.