WANTED Ambitious candidate required to mine gold in Govan
RANGERS chairman Dave King spelled out what he wants from his next manager in a typically low-key statement earlier this week and the hunt is now on for the right man.
We have been shown what is rumoured to be an internal club email concerning the recruitment process and, after making no attempt whatsoever to establish its veracity, have chosen to reproduce it below…
Bearing in mind the chairman’s assertion at our previous AGM that the processes involved in recruiting the last manager were rigorous, robust and beyond criticism, it has been decided we should begin the search for the next man to lead us back to our rightful place at the top of the game.
We shall continue with the checklist of qualities used in making our two previous appointments and prior to approaching Aberdeen just to double check that the person managing their club is certainly NOT the type we want managing ours.
After all, Plan B (or C, maybe even D) is simply doing Plan A better, as someone used to say.
Although things did not work out quite as intended with Messrs Warburton and Caixinha, it was well established in the chairman’s address that there cannot — and must not — be any finger pointing or recrimination within the club. Particularly not at him.
In the spirit of moving forward, please find attached the draft of our planned job advertisement for the position of manager. It is proposed that the advert is placed online today between 2.30pm and 5.30pm when Graeme Murty will be otherwise engaged, losing the Scottish Cup semi-final to Celtic.
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Rangers Football Club is the third-best team in Scotland, boasting 146 years of unsurpassed dignity and a cash flow situation that means it will not be able to break even until it is riding high in the Champions League.
With such a solid, rational business plan, the position of manager provides an exciting opportunity to continue rebuilding this Scottish institution from the damage overseen by a lengthy cast list of previous directors and executives, many of whom are now back with us to ensure we avoid the mistakes of the past and learn valuable lessons from all the new ones we are making.
You will be answerable to the chairman, deputy chairman, director of football, managing director or whoever happens to be running the club that particular day.
You will inherit an impressive collection of ‘We-Are-The-People’ signs, a caravan (barking dogs not permitted) and a Magic Hat. The understanding is that most of the players will have to be changed (again!).
Funds will be provided to facilitate a flexible transfer policy that can swing aimlessly from targeting younger talent bearing residual value such as James Tavernier and Wes Foderingham to handing small fortunes to ticking timebombs destined for a career of shouting at the moon on talk SPORT, semi-retired Croatians living in America because their girlfriend is acting there and overweight Mexicans with a reputation for partying and a playing style that points towards a greater focus on tacos and tequila than training.
An ability to know what to do with future ‘marquee’ signings — other than offering large payouts to get them off the wage bill — would be considered an advantage.
KEY SKILLS:
You will be, to quote our last major appointment, ‘polite, educated and a f ***** g tough guy’, equally at home jabbering on about vampires, and Las Vegas in press conferences or standing in a bush in Luxembourg waving your arms.
Success in your current place of employment is desirable, but we are a progressive club equally open to unemployed former bank workers touting themselves for a job on talk SPORT or pretend bullfighters hanging around in the middle of the desert at underperforming clubs desperate to get shot of them.
You will have an in-depth knowledge and appreciation of pitch geography, ball rotation and ‘random natures’, all essential when explaining — respectfully — why scrabbling around for second place in the league with clubs possessing nowhere near as much money as you is actually a resounding success.
A head for numbers and complex equations is a necessity. In keeping with official club policy, as dictated by the haverings of the chairman, you will be expected to gain a quick grasp on unconventional theories such as how Celtic have won only two-in-a-row titles because Rangers were not around for the other four, or how the ‘penniless’ can suddenly help underwrite an £11million share offer.
Numerical skills will also be useful in calculating your severance pay should we fail to have our boots (not those green ones) on Celtic’s neck come Christmas.
All this will be covered in the company’s standard re-education programme, which involves watching Rangers TV on a loop for 24 hours with your eyelids prised open. Also covered in this short induction course will be tutorials on the nobility of protecting women and children by fighting on the pitch on Scottish Cup final day and the tell-tale signs that St Johnstone manager Tommy Wright is spying on you.
Current football club director Andrew Dickson will stage an informative workshop entitled ‘Why There Was Never, Ever Anything Wrong With EBTs Even Though The Chairman Might Once Have Mistakenly Given That Impression’ at our world-renowned Auchenhowie training facility.
NOTICE PERIOD:
We will pay the remainder of your contract should you fail to achieve the impossible and stop Celtic winning four-in-a-row next term. That is, unless we have a meeting with your agent which makes us think you may be looking for a job elsewhere.
We will then permit you take training for the remainder of the week before letting you know through Sky Sports News on the Friday evening that you are out here and getting nothing off us.
The club also reserves the right to cast doubt on your suitability as manager six days before an Old Firm cup semi-final or any other remotely important fixture.
PLEASE NOTE: Interested parties should be aware that failure to respond appropriately to any prospective offer of interview or employment may result in a rambling, scattergun statement being posted on the official club website in which we endorse your unsuitability for such a prestigious position and say that we never wanted you anyway.
Consider it a concomitant risk.