NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the collapse of its website under demand from Black Friday bargain-hunters, John Lewis unveils a new Elton John advert mourning the blackout. It features another rewrite of Candle In The Wind: ‘Your bandwidth burned out long before your bargains ever did…’

TUESDAY

The middle-class ringleader responsible for bringing chaos to Britain’s transport system is named – as Chris Grayling.

WEDNESDAY

Amid fears of a ‘no deal’ Brexit, Majestic Wine says it has completed the purchase of a contingency stockpile of £8 million of booze – or what EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker calls ‘enough for a halfdecent weekend’.

THURSDAY

After shoppers scramble to buy Aldi’s Kevin The Carrot soft toy, the supermarket says it hasn’t seen such demand for something orange, squishy and a bit bland since Ed Sheeran was last at No 1. Further details are released of the relaxed new English test that foreign nurses must take. Now the exam will concentrate only on the phrases NHS staff are likely to say, such as, ‘Yes, that IS a lot of money to park your car’ and ‘Google might say it’s a tumour but I think the senior consultant knows a pimple when he sees one’.

FRIDAY

After it is revealed that watching daytime TV brings on an early grave, Countdown changes its name to something less doom-laden.

SATURDAY

Vegan activists who want the village of Wool to change its ‘cruel’ name – even though it has nothing to do with sheep farming – release a new list of places they want retitled, such as Leatherhead and double offender Cow-den-beef.