NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TO­DAY!

The Scottish Mail on Sunday - - News - Steve Ben­nett

OUR weekly – and very ir­rev­er­ent – look at some of the sto­ries that just might be break­ing over the com­ing days…

MON­DAY

Af­ter quit­ting Ukip, for­mer leader Paul Nut­tall – whose political life has been de­fined by a string of ques­tion­able claims he’s made about his past – re­veals his plans to re­join the SAS, re­sume Nasa as­tro­naut train­ing and restart his cage-fight­ing ca­reer.

TUES­DAY

In­spired by chef He­ston Blu­men­thal’s rev­e­la­tion that he puts peb­bles into his chow­der, Lidl an­nounces a new bud­get range of ‘gravel gourmet’ soups: rock-a-leekie, mini-stone-e and lob­ster brick­sque.

WED­NES­DAY

Ousted HS2 boss Sir Terry Mor­gan ad­mits he was too ex­pen­sive and his fir­ing was long over­due – two rea­sons why he was per­fect for the job.

THURS­DAY

In the wake of an an­nounce­ment by Kel­logg’s that it used re­jected corn­flakes to make beer, Shred­ded Wheat re­veals its sub­stan­dard prod­ucts have long been put to good use as An­drew Neil’s hair. The man who bought a bot­tle of whisky for a price that works out at more than £43,000 a glass says it was ei­ther that or the same amount of printer ink, and the Scotch was cheaper.

FRI­DAY

Af­ter Rugby School raised £15 mil­lion from sell­ing paint­ings it had hang­ing around, St Wayne’s com­pre­hen­sive in Rams­bot­tom earns £2.53 on eBay by flog­ging off its en­tire art col­lec­tion: the car­toon pe­nis crudely graf­fi­tied on to the door to Class 4A.

SATUR­DAY

Gary Lineker con­demns the French awards host who asked Ada Hegerberg if she could twerk af­ter be­ing named the world’s best fe­male foot­baller. ‘Would a great male sports­man be asked to sac­ri­fice his dig­nity in this way?’ he said, be­fore don­ning a gi­ant pi­geon out­fit to film his next crisps ad. As An­tiques Road­show pre­sen­ter Fiona Bruce is an­nounced as the new host of Ques­tion Time, a BBC spokesman says she’ll have no trou­ble deal­ing with MPs on the panel. ‘She’s had the per­fect train­ing – she’s been work­ing with ob­so­lete old relics for years.’

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