NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After quitting Ukip, former leader Paul Nuttall – whose political life has been defined by a string of questionable claims he’s made about his past – reveals his plans to rejoin the SAS, resume Nasa astronaut training and restart his cage-fighting career.

TUESDAY

Inspired by chef Heston Blumenthal’s revelation that he puts pebbles into his chowder, Lidl announces a new budget range of ‘gravel gourmet’ soups: rock-a-leekie, mini-stone-e and lobster bricksque.

WEDNESDAY

Ousted HS2 boss Sir Terry Morgan admits he was too expensive and his firing was long overdue – two reasons why he was perfect for the job.

THURSDAY

In the wake of an announcement by Kellogg’s that it used rejected cornflakes to make beer, Shredded Wheat reveals its substandard products have long been put to good use as Andrew Neil’s hair. The man who bought a bottle of whisky for a price that works out at more than £43,000 a glass says it was either that or the same amount of printer ink, and the Scotch was cheaper.

FRIDAY

After Rugby School raised £15 million from selling paintings it had hanging around, St Wayne’s comprehensive in Ramsbottom earns £2.53 on eBay by flogging off its entire art collection: the cartoon penis crudely graffitied on to the door to Class 4A.

SATURDAY

Gary Lineker condemns the French awards host who asked Ada Hegerberg if she could twerk after being named the world’s best female footballer. ‘Would a great male sportsman be asked to sacrifice his dignity in this way?’ he said, before donning a giant pigeon outfit to film his next crisps ad. As Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce is announced as the new host of Question Time, a BBC spokesman says she’ll have no trouble dealing with MPs on the panel. ‘She’s had the perfect training – she’s been working with obsolete old relics for years.’