NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TO­DAY!

OUR weekly – and very ir­rev­er­ent – look at some of the sto­ries that just might be break­ing over the com­ing days…

The Scottish Mail on Sunday - - Peter Hitchens - Steve Ben­nett

MON­DAY

Ama­zon boss Jeff Be­zos says he never meant to cheat on his wife but was tempted to stray af­ter his com­puter suggested ‘those who liked MacKen­zie Be­zos also liked Lau­ren Sanchez’. His wife now stands to re­ceive up to $67 bil­lion in a di­vorce set­tle­ment. Or, af­ter pay­ing tax at Ama­zon’s usual rate, $67 bil­lion.

TUES­DAY

The first pa­tients to be di­ag­nosed via a Skype ses­sion with their GP are found to be suf­fer­ing ‘poor con­nec­tion’, ‘in­suf­fi­cient credit’ and ‘Win­dows Up­date Er­ror 0x80070057’. Com­mons Speaker John Ber­cow con­tin­ues to in­sist he won’t be con­strained by cen­turies of con­sti­tu­tional prece­dent as he rules that the next par­lia­men­tary vote will be de­cided by a game of Ker-Plunk.

WED­NES­DAY

Tele­vi­sion cam­eras on Col­lege Green in West­min­ster con­tinue to at­tract at­ten­tion-seek­ing loonies chant­ing their sim­plis­tic Brexit slo­gans. Or MPs, as they are more prop­erly known.

THURS­DAY

Bish­ops in the new of­fi­cial Vat­i­can ath­let­ics team take part in their first event: the 400 mitres. Re­searchers who found that over-65s spread fake news more than any other age group ad­mit that it might have skewed the fig­ures to in­clude 72-year-old Don­ald Trump in the study.

FRI­DAY

Su­per­mar­kets re­call the first ro­bots to de­liver shop­ping to cus­tomers’ homes af­ter re­al­is­ing they lacked the wonky left-hand wheel they in­sist are built into all their trol­leys. The own­ers of Paris’s first all­nude restau­rant, O’na­turel, say they had no choice but to close, ex­plain­ing: ‘We had no way of cov­er­ing our emol­u­ments.’

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