NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

JCB bosses insist they were right to give former Brexit Secretary David Davis a £3,000-an-hour job, arguing that he’s a proven expert in digging himself into a huge hole.

Meanwhile, James Dyson admits he’s smug about finally washing his hands of Britain, since he has a very efficient way of drying them.

TUESDAY

The ten-year-old schoolboy whose note describing Brexit as ‘coo-coo’ and ‘bla bla’ is made International Trade Secretary, given that his grasp of the issue is more astute than Liam Fox’s.

WEDNESDAY

Archaeologists who found the 200-year-old skeleton of explorer Matthew Flinders on the HS2 route near Euston Station now also discover the ticket for the 12.43 to Coventry that he died waiting for.

As robot valets that automatically guide cars around their routes receive their first UK trials, one distinguished-looking 97-year-old takes an uncommonly keen interest.

THURSDAY

Buzzfeed is accused of insensitivity after announcing which 15 per cent of its workforce are going to be made redundant with an email headed: ‘Here are 250 people with more time on their hands… you won’t believe No17!’

After churches report that they are increasingly taking collections by card machine, worshippers confirm they are happy to pay the service charge.

FRIDAY

Meteorologists who used the word ‘thundersnow’ insist it is proper scientific terminology, not just a buzzword to make their job seem cool and exciting. Meanwhile, they warn Britain to brace for a ‘hellnado’, a ‘blizzardbolt megastorm’ and the ‘apocachill’. And drizzle will now be called ‘wuss rain’.